This was why - during an otherwise fantastic vacation cruising up the coast of California - I was figuratively kicking myself while lying naked on a tombstone in wet brown insulation.
The Calistoga Golden Haven Hot Springs Spa marketed this poor excuse for Mud Bath pampering as a "wonderful Napa Valley spa experience". I had been looking forward to not only my first mud bath, but the following mineral water shower, jacuzzi, and blanket wrap treatment. Plus, this was the first time my husband agreed do any spa treatment with me so although I was shockingly surprised, I was also especially excited to share the experience.
After pulling into the "spa" (yes, I'm going to use quotation marks when referring to this Motel 6 someone decided to slap the word "spa" on) we both grimaced at its appearance, but decided to give it a chance.
After changing into scratchy robes, we were led into the mausoleum - err mud room - and told to slowly sink into the mud. (In no way did this wall-to-wall drab concrete room even resemble the photos in the brochures.)
With a wrinkled nose, we both dipped into the "mud" which reminded me of a wet version of the insulation with the Pink Panther on it that my dad has in the garage. After our goodies were covered with the stuff, our staff member came in and gave us cool compresses for our foreheads and backrests that were - I'm not kidding - shaped like tombstones.
After just minutes, I could not wait to get off the concrete tombstone-shaped slab and out of the disgusting goop that got progressively scaldingly hotter the more you sunk down into the unsanitary concrete tub.
Plus, it was hot. Eventually, I kept my arms out of the tub because I was overheating.
After unsuccessfully trying to get the crusted mud that got stuck to every single hair on my body in the provided shower that was fed from a visible garden hose, we were shown to the jacuzzi. Just what I needed after overheating - to sit in hot water. So I spent the majority of this time with just my feet in the water as I was attempting to cool down.
But I was looking forward to the blanket wrap, even though after what we had endured up to that point, I wasn't sure what to expect. Finally, we were told to put our robes back on and go into the wrap room.
After lying down naked atop a table with just a thin sheet covering me, the staff member came in to perform the wrap. She stood over me, took the edges of the heavy blanket I was lying atop that was under the sheet I had over me, and tossed them over my body. It took about three seconds. Then she turned out the lights and we were plunged into darkness with only the glow-in-the-dark stars that one might find in a child's room on the ceiling.
Just what I needed after overheating twice - to be left under a sheet and thick blanket.
Brent was just as hot as I was at this point, and kicked off the heavy blanket soon after the staff member left after wondering aloud if he'd get in trouble for doing so. He then told me he'd give me $5 to walk over to the cooler of ice and dump it on him. This gave me a good laugh that turned into downright hysterical laughter at the ridiculousness of the entire situation as Brent started putting his hand under the tiny fountain between our two beds meant to relax us with its sound and started flinging droplets on his body in a failed attempt to cool himself off.
Although the horrible experience has since served as a hilarious story that we've told a number of times, what was truly horrible was actually forking over cash for this overheating abomination. It'd have been better spent to lay in actual mud. At least that would have been cooler.
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