Day 68: Shakespeare's High School Poetry... On That Annoyingly Perfect Girl From High School

I have a rare gift that those closest to me are well aware of and no doubt truly admire, for when I share my gift with them, I see nothing but the wide-eyed, open-mouthed looks of sheer astonishment. I choose to believe this is admirable astonishment instead of the more-likely OMG-is-she-serious-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-her scenario.


This gift is the gift of parody, as anyone who has heard my "I'm Peeing" song from the other side of the bathroom door (sung to the tune of Peter Pan's "I'm Flying") or any of the repertoire songs I have for my dog, Chloe (my favorite being "D.O.G." sung to 50 Cent's "P.I.M.P") can attest.


That's why this week's poem is the parody, which is meant to be humorous to entertain the audience, but are also designed to make people think. A parody poem is, obviously, a parody of a poem, but there are other types of parody out there, including songs like the ones that both I and Weird Al Yankovic sing or movies, including "Scary Movie."


I was originally going to parody my absolute favorite poem of all time - "Richard Cory" by Edwin Arlington Robinson (which I still have memorized and have been known to do a dramatic reading of) but then realized that I don't even want to taint the brilliance of that poem, so I chose a well-known one by Elizabeth Barrett Browning that I thought I could have fun with. It's helpful to read the original before you read the parody, so here's Browning's version:


How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count The Ways...


How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, — I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

And my version:

How Do I Loathe Thee? It's In So Many Ways...

How do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways.

I loathe thee more than the 36-24-36 width and height

Your body has reached. For most, it’s out of sight

Like the perfect hue of your bleach-blond hair and acne-free face.

I loathe thee pretty much every day

Whether in class or in the hallway’s light.

I loathe thee secretly, as boys ask you out every night;

I loathe thee resentfully, as I sit by the phone for days.

I loathe thee with a passion of no real use;

It’s because of my own insecurities, and childish ways.

I loathe thee with a hate I can’t seem to lose

With my lost youth, — I loathe thee with the breath,

Frowns, tears, of all my life! — and, if I choose,

I shall but loathe thee because of simple envy to my death.

Day 67: A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words... On Why Would Anyone Choose Anything Over Monkeys

Given the choice, I choose the monkeys. Monkeys are hilarious!

Last week's cliche: Look What the Cat Dragged In.

Day 66: Stop. Focus. Click... On Memorable Signs

I love clever signs, T-shirts, and bumper stickers. You know, like the signs that say "all unattended children will be given free puppies" or dog T-shirts that say "bad to the bone."

Here are another two that I saw - the first in my neighborhood and the second right around the corner from where I work.

Be prepared for a lifetime of heavenly eternity when you break the church rules:

Will beat ninjas for food:

Day 65: Remember The Time... I Should Dye My Hair Blonde To Match My Brains (This One Time)

Remember the time I felt like a complete idiot in front of my really smart colleagues?

We were at a bar in Logan Square this past Tuesday, and there was a lull in the conversation between my colleagues Brian and Mike that I only listened to because it included the words "existentialism" and "Kierkegaard" (hey, I work at an encyclopedia company).

I then chose that opportunity to (very seriously, unfortunately) ask the following question regarding a sign I have seen around town, which was reprinted on cards sitting around the bar:

"So what I don't understand is why I have to choose between a dog and wearing socks to be a true Chicagoan?"

To which my (very cool and very good-natured, thankfully) colleague Mike replied, "Um, Erika, they're saying you have to choose between the Cubs and White Socks."

"Oh, well, that makes sense," I replied, burning with embarrassment then laughing it off. "Maybe the library should have had a better artist."

Yeah, that's it. It's totally anything other than I'm a complete idiot. Luckily in spite of this, my colleagues still want to hang out with me again. I'll just smile and nod during the "did fish truly evolve from tetrapods?" debate.

Day 64: If I Ruled Lichtenstein...

My mile-long walk to work is a long one. But it seems much, much shorter when I have my purple headphones plugged into my iPhone listening to the Lady Gaga station on Pandora.

I've had several hours-long mundane projects at work that require little more than being awake to get them done. And sometimes that's hard - especially right after lunch. But putting one of my purple earbuds in one of my ears and jamming to my favorites list on Grooveshark makes even the most boring tasks fly by.

Therefore, if I ruled Lichtenstein, everyone will be able to listen to music at work if they choose to do so and if it doesn't interfere with their job. They wouldn't be able to listen to music while at the cash register taking orders, for example, but could if they were in the back making the burgers.

Besides making the day much more bearable, it would be a huge boost in morale and all-around good feelings.

Day 63: What did Batman Say To Robin... About Tuesday Morning - The Place, Not the Date and Time

What is this place and why did they give it this name? 

My Partner In Crime weighs in: T.G.I.Fridays, Red Lobster, Uno’s, Applebee’s, Ruby Tuesday’s. What do all of these things have in common? They’re all franchise restaurants. There are tons more, but you get the point. The point is that there are tons of them. With so much competition and so much of the same food, how do you tell one from the other? 

Market researchers at Ruby Tuesday’s asked this same question. They wanted to set themselves apart from the competition. They tried a number of experiments. Failed ideas were some of the following:

·    

• A car wash/Tuesday’s (turned out to be a wash out *nyuck nyuck nyuck)
•  An internet café/Tuesday’s (it turns out, geeks can’t watch porn and rub one out in public while eating mozzarella sticks and chicken wings with the other hand.)
• A truck stop/Tuesday’s (no glory holes)

The list is pretty hefty, but these were the notables as you can see.

The researches saw that since breakfast was the most important meal of the day and received the highest votes from stoners/hung over crowds, the answer seemed apparent, an all breakfast Ruby Tuesday’s. The problem now was, do they change the entire theme or do they make breakfast available all day adding pressure to the kitchen? Again, as stated in a previous entry, “Some of the most complex questions have the simplest of answers.”

The answer was to open up a sister restaurant under the Tuesday’s name. Tuesday Mornings; the all breakfast, all the time restaurant. Enter music, fireworks and scantily clad dancing girls with too many daddy issues to bare.

*Note - contrary to popular belief Tuesday Mornings is, in fact, not the place where we go to think of questions for Tuesday posts. But how cool would it be to have an entire building dedicated for that one purpose.

My response: I saw this place and was immediately intreguied. It's commonly known that Tuesday is the lamest day of the week. Nothing ever happens on Tuesday, so when I saw this place, I assumed it was a magical place from Happyland that sat next to a gumdrop house on Lollypop Lane. In my mind, Tuesday Morning is a fantastic restaurant with amazing bite-sized finger foods. It's one where you can  meet with friends on a Tuesday morning to enjoy each other's company and redeem Tuesdays from its status as the armpit of all the weekdays.

With this picture in mind, I pulled up to Tuesday morning and breezed in to see... well... nothing. Absolutely nothing but a pair of escalators.

Curious, I started down the escalator and entered a huge concrete room warehouse full of housewares, toys, and gifts. And the prices definitely were cheaper, although I went on a Saturday, and not on the first Tuesday of the month in the morning, which is when they have big events to celebrate their namesake.

I was definitely surprised at how wrong I was, and not at all pleasantly so because the quaint restaurant that I imagined was so pleasant.

So what is this place and why did they give it this name? A Ruby Tuesdays-owned breakfast restaurant where you can meet with friends to make a crappy day of the week a little better.

Or a warehouse for cheap housewares.

Day 62: Never Have I Ever... Tried To Feel Comfortable Naked in Front of Women

Crap. I forgot to grab a towel. Now what do I do? I thought to myself, as the cool water from one of the gym showers pounded into my shoulders. I don't want to put my sweaty clothes back on now that I just took a shower, and I can't just walk out there naked.

Yeah, I'm one of those people. Never have I ever been naked in the gym locker room. I have no problem with other women walking around in the buff (and yeah, I admit it, I look. There's no harm in comparison shopping.) unless they're a colleague, in which case I feel a bit weird, but not uncomfortable.

So after peeking around the corner to make sure the coast was clear, I sprinted out past the rest of the showers to grab a towel, but not before a very pregnant lady got a great view of me nude and dripping wet.

Come on, Erika! It's normal and totally acceptable to walk around the locker room naked! I told myself. While women don't typically do this (normally, they dress in halves. If they are changing their top, they have pants on and vice versa) no one thinks it's weird if they do.

OK, you can do this, I thought to myself. It's the human body; it's fine; it's OK. Here goes.

After spinning the dial on my locker, I glanced around and made sure no one was in the locker room and then dropped my towel. I found myself tugging on my underwear with urgency, however, when I heard the door open and knew someone was about to come in the locker room. Unfortunately I was trying to put them on sideways, and then inside out, so I didn't get close to getting them in place before a woman cruised by me without even a glance.

Well that wasn't so bad, I thought as I finished getting dressed at a normal pace. Probably won't do this again though. What can I say? I'm modest.