Day 288: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... It Would Be 5 O'Clock Everywhere

"No, mom, you can call me then because it'll only be 10 o'clock here... Yes, I know you always forget..."

I hate daylight savings time almost as much as I hate different time zones. Sure, now that we've set the clocks ahead, we're not going to work in the dark and coming home after it gets dark again, but it never fails that just when my internal clock gets used to getting up at 6:50 a.m. every morning, the time changes so it's like I'm forcing my body to get up at 5:50 a.m. because of course I can't fall asleep earlier than my usual bedtime.

But the central time zone brings with it many more headaches, mostly because everyone I talk to over the phone is in a different time zone. All my friends and family not to mention everyone I deal with at my second job are in the eastern time zone, and I work at a company that has international customers, so I'm constantly having to calculate out the different time zones so I can figure out when to call people based on when to best get ahold of them. 

In Lichtenstein, the country is small enough that everyone would be in the same time zone. And as of right now, I'd move the clocks back a half an hour and leave it there for good. When it's 5 o'clock in Lichtenstein, it's 5 o'clock everywhere. See you for happy hour food specials.

Day 281: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... Eat When You're Hungry and Sleep When You're Tired

When I was in collage, I had a friend who said he wished he could do just three things whenever he wanted: "eat, sleep, and screw."

While they are all arguably basic needs - without reproduction, the human race would die out - I have to say that if I had to pick two I would go with the two that have to do with the very basic human needs: eat and sleep.


I am most grumpy when I'm tired, and fairly unpleasant to be around when I'm hungry. It's because I'm uncomfortable when I'm either.


Therefore, if I ruled Lichtenstein, I would ensure these two needs are satisfied as best as I can. If workers need a siesta in the middle of the day, they'd be allowed to sleep if they wanted to make up the hours later in the day. If they were hungry, they could help themselves to the healthy snacks that employers would be required to provide their employees at all times. And meetings during the lunch hour will strictly be banned, with the exception being only a meeting where the employer agrees to buy lunch.


Productivity would be up, and workers would be happier. And all it would take is allowing them to get enough shut-eye along with snacks.

Day 274: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... Customer Service Would Be At Your Service

I'm already not pleased when I have to call apartment building managers, the doctor's office, or virtually any customer service known to man. So why do they always make it so much tougher for me to keep my sanity on hold by forcing me to listen to horrible, repetitive, tinny music?

This was all too reinforced when I had to call the IRS the other day - yes, I had to call the IRS in March - and was on hold for 38 minutes. THIRTY-EIGHT MINUTES of grinding, looping, horrific "hold" music before I got a very cheery woman with a southern accent asking me how "I can help y'all out."


In Lichtenstein, every customer service center will always be overstaffed. That way holds, and, naturally hold music, will be eliminated. I can't even in good conscious want to improve hold music because all I'd be doing is making a bad problem just a little bit better. I'm here to solve problems.

Of course there will be downtime, but that downtime will be well spent on solving the problems that cause people to call customer service in the first place, whether that is making language a bit clearer or figuring out how to make less inferior products so they don't break, causing people to call customer service.

Day 267: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... Screwing Over A Friend Means Jail Time

My neighboring cubemate at work is a crazed Chicago Blackhawks fan, as evidenced by her Blackhawks screensaver, calendar, and headband she keeps in her cube at work.

So when I heard that my hockey team - the Detroit Redwings - was coming to Chicago to battle the Hawks, I suggested we get tickets. A few other colleagues wanted to come along, so I (stupidly) decided to put the cost of all the tickets on my credit card and have everyone pay me for them individually

This was not an issue for one of my colleagues, who paid me right away. It became a bit of an issue when one of my friends had to back out a few days before the game, but thankfully we were able to find another colleague who wanted to come along.

But it really became an issue when, while I was en route back to Chicago from my business trip, that my cubemate texted me to tell me that one of our colleagues couldn't go to the game. And he told her of this fact hours before the game (even though we had asked him several times to make sure he still wanted to go). Without paying me for his ticket. Leaving me having to scramble for someone who was not only free for the night, but who also wanted to trek downtown and pay $87 for a hockey game.

Luckily my cubemate was able to put a sense of urgency in the matter and find someone free for what turned out to be a hilarious and fun evening - starting with a limo ride to a pizza parlor, Eduardo's, where my very drunk colleague waltzed in the door with an open beer demanding to be served by Eduardo himself - and ending with me literally babysitting said colleague and putting him on his train only to see him wandering off from my train's window. In between was a close hockey game that saw my Wings lose by just one goal.

However, in Lichtenstein, it is going to be against the law to screw over a friend like that. The law would see to it that that friend paid for his ticket and then was out that ticket or that money if he couldn't find a replacement because he was at fault for not being able to make the game.

This kind of thing should be simple courtesy, but when that fails, in LIchtenstein the law takes over.

Day 260: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... First-Come, First Serve Basis Would Rule

We woke up relatively early this morning, considering we were on vacation, and were looking forward to laying by the pool all morning and afternoon.

So we headed out to the long pool that winds its way along the length of the resort. We passed dozens and dozens of lawn chairs - some of which had a hat or a book on them. The rest of them had the ubiquitous white towels from the resort on them to "reserve" them.

So there I was standing in the middle of a sea of empty blue lawn chairs - each with a white towel on them, and several with one towel draped across several chairs - feeling frustrated that no one was occupying the chairs, yet I felt like I couldn't take over any of them because they were "reserved."

What was more frustrating was that once I scrounged up two together by dragging one from the pool and another that was not reserved because it was slightly broken, I sat there for hours near "reserved" chairs that no one came to claim while people who were ready to sit out by the pool circled like vultures waiting for people to leave.

I have come to realize that I cannot tolerate what I consider unfairness. It was unfair of people to reserve chairs for hours while they lallygagged around in bed while others wanted to use them, but didn't want to be rude.

In Lichtenstein, everything is on a first-come, first-serve basis. The first people to the pool are the ones who get the lawn chairs. The first people to the concert get the front row, etc. If you truly cared about something, you'd be one of the first to get there and would stay there.

Day 253: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... I'm Not Paying For Five Inches

I hate going to and being at several places: the pharmacy, the post office, the doctor's office, and the airport. Even more than I hate being at the airport, however, is having to deal with all the airport-y formalities, like waiting in line after line, dealing with delays and cancellations, hauling around heavy luggage, baggage fees, layovers, taking off my shoes for security, and all the nickel-and-dimeing that goes on with every step of the process.

They now charge you if you want to choose your seats at the self check-in kiosks. And I'm not even talking about first class or the emergency exit rows. Every time I tried to change my seat to anywhere else on the plane, it wanted to charge me $12, $19, or $21. This is of course before all the luggage fees.

And then when I was sitting waiting to board the plane, I saw that I could pay to upgrade my seat to have "five extra inches of laptop space."Five inches? That's the length of a pencil, and this is what you're touting?

Baloney.

In Lichtenstein, the price you pay online for your airline ticket is the price you will pay to get to where you want to go. There will be no extra charges for luggage, and seating will be on a first-come, first-serve basis.

Also, our planes will be extra long with a single aisle and two seats on each side with enough room in front of you to sit comfortably. Plus this way, the middle seat will be eliminated.

Those who are flying internationally will get the "bed planes". Having to sit in a cramped seat for hours is unacceptable. Those who are going over oceans or entire continents will be "seated" in one of the rows and rows of chairs that recline into a beds. Each will have its own TV filled with movies to watch, so flying these distances will not only be tolerable, but comfortable.

Flying to Lichtenstein is the way flying should be.

Day 246: If I Ruled Lichtenstein...

Whenever my parents would take me to an amusement park when I was younger, I'd always ask to go on the bumper cars.

I'd let my siblings choose their cars first, then of course I'd choose one directly facing one of them so I could deliver the first whack.


I'd always marvel at the fact that essentially we were getting into accidents on purpose, yet the bumper cars remained unscathed.


So I started asking questions about why cars aren't made out of rubber so they'd just bounce off each other instead of dent. I've been told that not only would they be ugly, but it wouldn't work at the much higher rate of speed that actual cars go.


Well if this were true, then why do bumper guards exist? You know, those rubber pads you attach to the front and/or back license plates or fenders of your car so it doesn't get scratched if someone bumps it while parallel parking? 


I still think it could work. So in Lichtenstein, the center circumference of all cars will be a wall of rubber so fender benders and minor bumps will be a thing of the past. We might have a few more whiplash cases, but at least those people won't have to pay the hospital and the mechanic.

Day 239: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... Commercial Would Only Refer To Businesses, Not Ads

Even though it's embarrassing, I'm going to admit it: I watch 90210 (yes, the lame, second-generation version with the bone-thin actresses portraying Beverly Hills high school students who are somehow richer than Bill Gates.)

At the very beginning of the latest episode, we see the character of Austin worried about protecting his valuables.

All I have to say is, really, 90210? Really? See what I mean:

In case you couldn't hear it, or missed some of these necessary plot gems, here's what Austin said:

"I checked the windows and I'm on State Farm's website right now trying to get a quote on renters insurance," he says. [Camera pans across his laptop screen, showing State Farm's website.] ... "Check it out," he says to two of his costars, showing them the screen. "I'm actually saving money by bundling it with the policy I already have on my truck. That was easy enough. Now all I have to do is call my agent."

I already know that if I'm going to settle in and watch an hour-long show that I don't have on the DVR, I'm going to actually be watching the show for about 42 of the 60 minutes.

The rest of the time, I'm going to find something else to do so I don't have to watch too-loud ads for car insurance, carpet cleaners, and lawyers to call if I've been injured in an accident.

I don't mind the ancillary product placement, like the American Idol judges drinking out of Coca Cola glasses or the Extreme Makeover: Home Edition builders using Sears tools. It's the blatant, double-digit seconds of product placement that might as well have been a commercial that I have an issue with.

Or at least make Austin be topless while giving his State Farm spiel. That would at least be somewhat forgivable.

Day 232: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... We'd Cut the Red Tape

There are very few people in a person's life - if any - that you can completely be yourself around. And I mean completely. Around these special people, you can speak your mind without a filter, and just be you without fear of judging or ridicule.

To me, that means everything.

This is never something you can do at work. At work, I feel like I'm constantly on edge. I worry that I'm not saying something politically correct enough, diplomatically enough, or gentle enough.

Plus, at work, you can't just fix a problem. I had a very simple issue the other day, but couldn't just simply fix it. I had to go through the red tape of figuring out the solution to a problem, then had to take it to the department in charge of fixing the problem, get their approval, talk to the person who will actually fix it, wait until he fixes it, check to see that it's fixed, and then approve it being fixed.

Seriously. Even though I'm smart enough to just take care of the problem on my own, I have to go through all these channels before it actually gets done. It just seems so inefficient.

In Lichtenstein, corporations are going to eliminate as much red tape as possible to save time, thereby saving money.

I mean, people are hired because they seem like the best of the best for the job, right?

So let them do their jobs and let them do it efficiently.

Day 225: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... You'll Know It When You Look Good

Sometimes I'll be walking to work and see a woman wearing a really cute pair of boots or a really trendy hat or an adorable outfit. I'll see this woman and think these things, but don't always vocalize my thoughts. 

I took a shower yesterday and braided my wet hair before going to bed. It dried overnight so when I shook out the braids this morning, I was left with '80s-style crimped hair just for something different.

Brent happened to call me early this morning, and before we hung up, he jokingly asked me how many compliments I had gotten on my hair (he HATES the way it looks when I do it that way). I told him - truthfully - that two people said they really liked, including one guy who went out of his way to come to my desk just to tell me he liked my hair.

And by the end of the day, the number of unprompted compliments numbered six. - including another guy who told me I looked especially nice overall. And each and every one of these compliments felt good. They always do.

That's why, in Lichtenstein, we'll be more vocal about what we're thinking when it's positive. We won't make stuff up just to compliment someone, but when that thought crosses our minds, we won't hesitate to dish it out.


The world will undoubtedly appear much sunnier.

Day 218: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... You Won't Find A Penny And Pick It Up

In the United States, there are 11 forms of currency up to the $20 bill.  We have the penny, nickel, dime, quarter, half-dollar, dollar coin, $1 bill, $2 bill, $5 bill, $10 bill, and $20 bill. I don't mind having change in my pockets, but all the different types of currency seems silly.

But it's necessary because of the way items in every store is priced. It's rare to find something that costs $10. It will either be priced $9.95 or $9.99. With taxes, that item will end up costing a consumer $10.61.

In Lichtenstein, we're only gong to have paper money in denominations that make sense - $1, $5, $10, and $20. And taxes will either be non-existent or, more likely, included. Therefore, items will cost whole numbers, and when you see an item that costs $10 at a store, you will need just $10 to purchase that item. No more digging for exact change or paying for gas with a bag of pennies.

The only negative I see with this plan is that since there won't be any coin money in my country, people will miss out on the pure joy of finding a heads-up quarter glinting on the ground just begging to be picked up.

I guess people will have to settle for finding lost dollar bills.

Day 211: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... Chore-Sharing Would Make Life A Bit Easier

I don't mind some chores. I've never minded doing or folding laundry, going to the grocery store, vacuuming, running errands in the car, or organizing. In fact, those are the chores I actually like to do.

On the opposite end of that spectrum is washing pots and pans, cleaning the shower, and ironing. I'll avoid those chores and always put them off until last. 

But regardless of the chore, I hate that no matter how well I do it, I'll undoubtedly have to do it again. Regardless of how clean the shower gets, I'm going to have to clean it again. The laundry will get dirty again and we'll run out of food at home if I put off heading to the grocery store.


Since chores are always going to be there, in Lichtenstein we're going to make them a bit easier. There will be a chore-sharing system where you volunteer do chores for other people who will return the favor. That way, everyone can do the chores they like and get the chores done at their homes that they don't.


I actually don't know why this isn't something already done. I guess it's because if you have someone coming over to do chores at your house in the United States, you're returning the favor by paying them in cash.

Day 204: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... Best Buy would sell Earspeakers

I was walking to the train station from work recently and an interesting thought popped into my mind. It was so thought-provoking that I found myself pondering it for a good few blocks.

Why are they called 'headphones'?

Sure, they go on your head, but you can't call anyone on them. And even if you could, there's no way you would need two. From now on, I think I'll call them 'earspeakers,' which is what they should be named.

Why is a blanket called a 'blanket'? Or a lamp called a 'lamp'? A couch? A table? The only items that make sense, really, are those in the kitchen. Whoever came up with the name for appliances was a genius. A simple genius, but a genius nonetheless. Appliances are named based on what they do with an -er tacked onto the end of them. Toaster. Refrigerater. Blender.

Brilliant.

In Lichtenstein, the names for things will either make sense or be so outlandish that people would wish they made sense. Because if it's not going to make sense, at least we should have fun with it.

So go grab your earspeakers because I just downloaded an awesome song by Foster the People on my snogthuffalopod.

Day 197: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... Boys Would Be Happy With "My Little Ponies"

I watched a YouTube video today in which Jimmy Kimmel challenged parents to allow their children to open one Christmas gift early. The catch was, the parents were to find and wrap gifts their kids wouldn't like, and then film their reactions.

Kids were given a range of gifts from half-eaten sandwiches to a stapler to a battery.

Other kids were given toys or clothes specifically made for the other sex, i.e. one boy was given a set of "My Little Pony" toys and another was given a "Hello Kitty" sweater.

While the reactions from the kids that were given random items, like toilet paper, were confusion or disappointment, the reactions from the boys that were given "girls" toys were different. These boys were furious.

The boy given the ponies threw them and repeatedly said, "These are for girls!"

The boy given the pink and purple sweater stomped around the house screaming and crying that he got a "stupid 'Hello Kitty' sweater" and that he "hated" his parents for giving it to him.

While the "Hello Kitty" kid was a spoiled brat, I was surprised at the fury of the other boys who got girls gifts. Are boys incapable of playing with horse toys? Is it just because it's pink that it's "for girls?"

My favorite toys growing up were dolls, action figures, and racecars. I played with all of these toys with my brother. I didn't mind playing with our Ninja Turtle and Masters of the Universe action figures--traditionally thought of as "boys" toys--just as he never minded playing with Cabbage Patch dolls--traditionally thought of as "girls" toys.

We even each had our own dolls--mine was named James and his was named Matthew and James always told Matthew to do dishes and Matthew always broke them.

It bothers me that there is such a divide with toys. Even at any store there are very distinct, separate aisles for girls toys and boys toys and then one for board games.

In Lichtenstein, there will be no such thing as "boys" and "girls" toys. There will be a toy section in every store with just toys. Maybe a little boy wants to play dress-up and a girl wants to play with toy guns. That will be OK.

Plus, there are so many kids who don't have toys that kids in Lichtenstein will be brought up to appreciate any toy that they have. Regardless of the color of the pony's mane.

Day 190: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... People are Allowed to be Sick

I don't get sick that often. And when I do feel a little under the weather - like with a headache or stomachache - I'm usually able to continue with my regular life, albeit uncomfortably.

And then there are those sicknesses which knock me on my ass, where even getting up to go to the bathroom seems like an insurmountable task. 

This is how I felt for 15 days this past month. Yeah, that's not an exaggeration. I was sick for more than two weeks in which several of those days were "stay in bed" days.

And yet I had to go to work on those days because of rare, but tight, deadlines that particular week. Crying at work ensued those days because when the file I had been working on became corrupted, I couldn't think of what else to do because of the overriding body aches and coughing.

And of course the laundry and grocery shopping wasn't going to do themselves, and it would have been more of a battle to get someone else to help.

It's inconvenient to be sick, but sometimes I get sick. And if I ruled Lichtenstein, people would be allowed to be sick when they're sick. Someone else would always be there to take care of whatever the sick person needs them to do.

It sucks to be sick. It adds insult to injury to have to work when you feel like crap.

Day 183: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... You'd See Gorgeous Models - Stretchmarks And All

No. Sorry. It is not every girl's dream to walk the runway of the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. Contrary to what one of the models said in her interview between sections of the fashion show, it has never been my dream to starve myself so I be a size negative four and walk in underwear down a runway. 

Yeah, I have more lofty goals.

But I still couldn't help but admire the bangin' bodies of the models in the show. And their skin looked absolutely flawless, which is something I have to admit I envy, having had problem skin all my life.

The only thing that was more amazing than the models to me was the makeup.

So one of my cousins whom I'm closest to is a graphic designer. She has a bunch of friends in the graphic design department at Limited Brands - aka the company that owns Victoria's Secret. So she's seen the models' unedited, un-airbrushed film, and hung out with some of them in person. Score.

Is it wrong that I was happy to hear that all the models who've had babies have noticeable stretchmarks? Or that one of the famous blondes has horrible acne?


But had she not told me this, I would continue thinking that there are just women out there with perfect skin and perfect bodies.


Therefore so this falsehood does not continue, in Lichtenstein, models and advertisements are gong to depict real women. Sure, they can wear makeup, but there will be no airbrushing allowed in any magazine in my country. Women already feel bad enough about themselves for not being tall enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, etc. The last thing we need is a false sense of perfection. 


Because according to my cousin, what we see is an absolute false sense of what these women look like. Graphics designers are magicians. If they weren't so good at their jobs, we'd know that even models are not immune to stretchmarks.

Day 176: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... The Five Second Rule Would Be In Effect For Words as Well as Food On The Floor

People sometimes say things they don't mean. I'm guilty of this. My mouth just sometimes functions a few seconds ahead of my brain to the point where I immediately regret what just came out of it.


And of course once it's said it's hard-pressed or nearly impossible for the person you've said it to to forget or forgive it.


Not in Lichtenstein. In Lichtenstein, the five second rule exists for more than just really great food or candy that's fallen on the floor (as long as it's not "wet" food like yogurt or pepperoni and as long as it hasn't fallen on a well-trodden place like the subway or anywhere in New York City).


In Lichtenstein, the "rewind" rule will be honored. After saying something you just wish you could take back, you have five seconds to say "wait...rewind!" and then take back what you wish you hadn't said and replace it with what you meant.


Therefore, after saying "I totally agree with you honey" after semi-listening to your wife or girlfriend saying she feels fat in her skinny jeans, you're allowed to say "rewind" and compliment her - especially after seeing the look on her face.


The "rewind" rule will be respected everywhere in Lichtenstein. And will probably save many relationships.

Day 169: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... 5:42 would mean 5:42

Contrary to what some may believe, I actually do like watching sports. I used to go to all my high school football games, remember watching Michael Jordan and the Bulls play all seven games of the NBA finals one year, and have grown up rooting for the University of Michigan football team.

What has always frustrated me, however, is just how long the games are past how long they're supposed to be. Football games are supposed to be 60 minutes long. And yet they end up being more than three hours long with commercials, timeouts, halftime, huddles, etc.

Therefore, when I see that the clock reads 5:42 in a football game, I know that I have about an hour before the game is over, give or take 45 minutes. This is annoying. If I ruled Lichtenstein, we'd set the clock and let it run down to zero. That way everyone would know exactly how much time is left for the Wolverines to eat the Buckeyes.

Day 162: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... Animal Abuse Would Be Severely Punished

Adopting my dog, Chloe, was one of the best decisions I've ever made. She's a constant companion who's always up for snuggling, playing, and giving lick-kisses.

Pets in general have such amazing feel-good powers, and all they ask for in return is nourishment and love. This is why my heart breaks every time either my vet or I have to do something that I know is completely harmless to Chloe – like clip her toenails, give her medicine, or go anywhere near her rear end – because she does not take it well. I’ve actually fought back tears in the waiting room at the vet’s office listening to her howl when the vet examines her, which leads us both to believe that she may have been abused in her past.

And I can see other instances where abuse in her past would make sense. I can’t yell at her when she misbehaves, like when she eats – yes, literally eats – the carpet, unless I want to clean up the piddle she’ll undoubtedly make on the floor. And she’s afraid of everything loud noise related, whether it’s coming from the thunderstorm, a movie soundtrack, or the vacuum cleaner.

If I ever had the misfortune to meet the person who’s caused these fears I fear the amount of damage I would inflict upon him or her. Before I adopted her, I asked the woman at the shelter what she knew about her, since Chloe had been at the shelter for a month before I brought her home. All she said was, “Chloe just needs someone to love her.” I have found that to be unequivocally true.

While I’ll never say that it’s never OK to beat an animal (because I absolutely would if said animal had some part of my child in its mouth, for example), 99.9 percent of the time, animal abuse is unwarranted. Animals can’t understand us the way humans can, so most of the time it’s not their fault if they misbehave; it’s a product of bad training or cruel owners.

And yet animal abuse is still is an all-too-common occurrence, and the penalties are all too slap-on-the-wrist in severity. Not in Lichtenstein. The penalties in Lichtenstein are going to be the same for animals as it is for people. Beating a pet is going to carry the same amount of charges as beating a spouse because a dog can’t call for help or grab car keys and drive away. Dogs just have to endure the abuse and hope one day it stops. This infuriates me almost more than anything else in this world.

And in my country, it will not be tolerated. Not in my country.

Day 155: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... Opportunities Will Be Limitless

Genetics have dictated that I be 5'6'' tall. And because I'm 5'6'', I'm too tall to be a jockey and too short to play in the WNBA. And because I don't have any Native American, African American, or eskimo in my background, I can't ever take advantage of affirmative action.

My friend Heather was born in Korea, but was adopted as a baby and raised in the United States. I've told her in the past that she's the worst Asian ever because she acts more white than any Asian I've ever known. And even though she was raised here in the States, she can never be president because she wasn't born on U.S. soil. This is why she didn't pursue a career in politics - because she knows laws dictate she wouldn't be able to go as far as her dreams.

Another friend is going to India on vacation, and truly wants to visit Mecca Masjid, the holiest site of Islam. But because she wasn't born Muslim, she's not permitted to even step foot there.

In Lichtenstein, people will not be limited to what they can do based on how they were born or who they were born to. If a tall person wants to be a jockey, they'll have the same opportunities as shorter people here. If someone was raised in Lichtenstein, they'll have the same opportunity to rule as anyone else (after I'm gone that is).

We bust through limits in Lichtenstein.