Day 153: Never Have I Ever... Went To Work As A Man

Halloween is my favorite holiday. It's the only day of the year where you can be whomever you want and look as ridiculous as possible, and it's OK.

My family has always celebrated Halloween by organizing a huge haunted house. So whenever I'm home, I dress up and am either in the coffin, hung in the tree, or a car accident victim in the van. Regardless of where I am, the goal is the same: to scare the crap out of children dressed as Spongebob, princesses, and clowns.

But I haven't been home for Halloween in a number of years, and haven't dressed up since I've been gone. So when the other members of my department at work came up with a group Halloween costume idea for our work costume contest, I jumped at the chance to dress up again. Never have I ever went to work as a man (and discovered that when I imitate a man's voice, it comes out British for some reason), but I had a ton of fun doing so.

We originally decided to get a total of six people to dress up as Clue characters so we could embody all of them and each have a different weapon. That idea eventually evolved into "killing" one of our colleagues and acting out a written-out skit with an inspector about who did it. This was after we decided that setting our colleague on fire was going a bit too far.

Here's our script in its entirety because I thought it was hilarious:

Halloween Costume Contest Extravaganza

Future Tony Award Nominated Scene

Bev (Costume contest organizer): And please give a warm welcome to our next group.

[Lights flicker, Tony goes from being a spectator in the audience to being dead on the floor. Someone screams. Brian walks up dressed as an inspector of the cross-dressing Clouseau variety. He inspects the body and lifts Corpse Tony’s arm.]

 

Inspector Brian: This man is dead! Who did this? [Pointing at random people in the audience.] Was it you? Was it you? Or ... was it Ms. Scarlett with the rope?


Ms. Scarlett (Jessica): Why, Inspector, I’m outraged that you would even consider me capable of such an insidious deed!! This rope is merely an accessory. You aren’t really questioning a lady’s choice in fashion, or are you....... Mr. Lady Coat??


Inspector Brian: I got this from you when I raided your closet, Ms. Scarlett. You better hope someone else’s story holds even less water than that one. Who killed poor Tony Tills, and how? Was it Colonel Mustard with the wrench?


Colonel Mustard (Erika): I may have hunted large wildebeests and velociraptors, but never man. Tony is a peaceful fella, we used to pump iron in the gym, write poetry together, and recently we toasted marshmallows out by his lake. I have no reason to kill such an obliging and eleemosynary bloke.


Inspector Brian: Making up words won’t help you, Colonel Mustard. A man is dead! And who wanted it that way...? Could the murderer have been Mrs. White--first name Betty--with the knife?


Mrs. White (Garnet): Tony might have had a lot of demands when I first started, something about cleaning up hundreds of bugs... But it wasn’t me! I was just washing dishes when you rounded us up, that’s why I have this knife!


Inspector Brian: Tell me something, Mrs. White. Are your pants on fire?


Mrs. White: I’m not wearing any pants...


Inspector Brian: Oh never mind. Only time will tell who in this room is guilty of murder. Was it Mr. Green with the candlestick?


Mr. Green (Larissa): What, poppycock! Tony and I were great friends; we used to trim our mustaches together. Until he shaved his... But, I have witnesses: the illustrious Misters Lincoln and Washington if you catch my drift.


Inspector Brian: $6, Mr. Green? Really? Every man has his price but clearly you can’t afford mine unless you have a Mr. Hamilton with you as well. Mrs. Peacock, we all know you wanted Tony’s office. Was it you with the revolver?


Mrs. Peacock (Heather): Haha me? Now Inspector, that’s just totes cray-cray! There is no possible way I shot him with my Colt Anaconda .44 Magnum large frame double-action revolver. Where is the gun wound? Besides, I was crying under my desk, because once again I must fix those blasted Social Studies Power quizzes.  


Inspector Brian: Hmm, a likely story, Mrs. Peacock. I hope you look as dazzling in an orange jumpsuit. Or is someone else the killer? Could it be Professor Plum with the lead pipe?


Professor Plum (Erin):  No!...It couldnt’ve have been me, I can barely lift this lead pipe. I hated all his work on digital products, yes. I’ll never let go of my books, but it wasn’t me!


Inspector Brian:  Your alibi is as weak as you are Professor Plum. All this evidence is very compelling and I’d have to say--wait, what is this?


[Brian lifts Tony’s hand, examines his fingers, opens his eyes to peer into them. Brian turns to the suspects.]


Inspector Brian: Ladies and gentleman, I have incontrovertible proof that this man was not murdered! [Suspects gasp in unison.]


Inspector Brian (turning to audience): As pitifully fallacious as these alibis have proven, it appears none of you is the killer. Not even you, Mrs. Peacock. As I said, this man was not murdered. Judging by his glazed eyes, five o’clock shadow, and worn finger pads, it’s clear that this man was worked to death! Case closed!


Tony: Does this mean I get the afternoon off?

While we did not win a Tony award, we did win second place in the costume contest and with that $75 to blow at happy hour next week. Score!

Happy Halloween!