Day 245... Or, In My Case... Day 365

Batman and Robin didn't talk today.

I'm taking a break from this regularly scheduled blog post to pay tribute to the reason I started this year-long blog.

I needed something daily not only to do, but to look forward to doing. So I came up with the idea for this blog, and a friend helped shape the topics.

Like anything new, it was exciting, thought and a bit scary at first. I was staunch about writing a post daily - even if I had little inspiration - which, of course, degenerated into falling behind for awhile there.

But now I'm back on track and determined to follow this through to the end. One of the many faults I've identified about myself is that I go all in at the beginning of something, whether it's a relationship, a work project, a workout routine etc., and tell myself I'm going to stick with it and then just make up excuses not to, and it ends up falling to the wayside.

That's not gonna happen with this project. Nor will it happen to the reason for starting this blog:


Today marks the one-year anniversary.

I was asked what I'd be doing to celebrate. My response was "nothing." I know that there's a reason to celebrate, but my views are a little skewed. I never should have had to be in the position to celebrate, so I'm not going to. 


But I will recognize. I recognize that today is the one-year anniversary.


And that's enough.

Day 244: Never Have I Ever... Been Told I Have A "Nickelodeon Voice"

We have different voices that we use depending on the type of situation we're in. We speak in a higher register when talking to babies. We slow our speech and dumb down our vocabulary when talking to children. We speak louder when talking to the elderly.

And even when we're not talking to children and the elderly, we talk more naturally when talking to friends and more professionally in the workplace.

I've been a receptionist and a reporter, and I know that I change the inflection of my voice when speaking to customers and sources.

But I had no idea that I had a hidden voice talent.

Never have I ever been told I had one of those voices that belongs on TV, yet my colleague has repeatedly told me I sound like the voices on Nickelodeon. She said this in front of the media editor, who asked me to record a spread and agreed that my voice in front of a microphone is totally different than the one I use to speak. Plus, she mentioned how impressed she was that I spoke so polished and it only took us one take.

I apparently sound so different that my own parents watched this video that I made for one of our new consumer products and asked me where I got the voiceover from. Well, mom and dad, I got it from you guys! See for yourselves:

Day 242: A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words... On Ignorance Is Bliss

It doesn't look like he's being very informed, though, he is happy...

Last week's cliche: When pigs fly

Day 241: Stop. Focus. Click... On Veggie Tales

I set out the veggies that I was planning on cooking with this weekend as I was putting away the groceries, and then saw how beautiful they looked on the counter together. Hence, this picture.

 

Day 240: Remember the Time...

On one episode of Family Guy, Brian hears that Quagmire hates him, so one day he waits outside of Quagmire's house so he can strike up a conversation and smooth things over. He starts out by making small talk and then sees a battered girl standing on the doorstep of Quagmire's house.

He comments about how hot she is and how she must have been some piece of ass. Quagmire then replies that the girl is, in fact, his sister who was staying with him because her boyfriend mercilessly beats her. He then asks if Brian also wants to make fun of his deaf brother.

The boyfriend then shows up to beat Quagmire's sister again and Quagmire asks Brian if he can hear that she's being beaten up. He replies, "I'm not deaf," which Quagmire takes as a shot at his deaf brother.

Essentially, this is a case of mistaken assumptions. Brian knows that Quagmire is a complete man whore, so he tries to stroke his ego by telling him what a hot chick he scored. Unfortunately, that person turns out to be his sister. And when Brian uses a well-known cliche by dryly remarking that he's not deaf, Quagmire thinks he's insulting his handicapped brother, when Brian is just trying to make polite conversation.

Remember the time I felt this way during every single conversation with one of my friends from New York?

This guy, Matt, was on my basketball team for several seasons that stretched into several years and, like all the other members on my New York basketball team, I felt like we became really good friends. Yet every time we talked either one on one or in a group, I felt like I said something that offended him. Eventually, I came to think that he tolerated me because of all the innocent things I said that somehow turned out to be insulting.

For example, I was telling our other teammates a story about how Matt and I were talking to members of another team, and I kept referring to this other team as the "black team." I had thought that everyone knew that I was referring to their jersey color, but apparently people were giving he and I weird looks that I didn't notice, so Matt had to interrupt me and say "the black-shirted team" then looked at me like, "why are you dragging me into this seemingly racist story?"

And I could go on and on with examples, but my point is that sometimes people's personalities just don't mesh. Those who are more reserved and on the quiet side just may not get along with those who joke all the time and are a bit more boisterous. And that's OK. But I just wish he knew I never meant to offend or insult him. 'Cause I actually think he was one of the most genuinely nice guys I had the privilege to know in New York.

Day 239: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... Commercial Would Only Refer To Businesses, Not Ads

Even though it's embarrassing, I'm going to admit it: I watch 90210 (yes, the lame, second-generation version with the bone-thin actresses portraying Beverly Hills high school students who are somehow richer than Bill Gates.)

At the very beginning of the latest episode, we see the character of Austin worried about protecting his valuables.

All I have to say is, really, 90210? Really? See what I mean:

In case you couldn't hear it, or missed some of these necessary plot gems, here's what Austin said:

"I checked the windows and I'm on State Farm's website right now trying to get a quote on renters insurance," he says. [Camera pans across his laptop screen, showing State Farm's website.] ... "Check it out," he says to two of his costars, showing them the screen. "I'm actually saving money by bundling it with the policy I already have on my truck. That was easy enough. Now all I have to do is call my agent."

I already know that if I'm going to settle in and watch an hour-long show that I don't have on the DVR, I'm going to actually be watching the show for about 42 of the 60 minutes.

The rest of the time, I'm going to find something else to do so I don't have to watch too-loud ads for car insurance, carpet cleaners, and lawyers to call if I've been injured in an accident.

I don't mind the ancillary product placement, like the American Idol judges drinking out of Coca Cola glasses or the Extreme Makeover: Home Edition builders using Sears tools. It's the blatant, double-digit seconds of product placement that might as well have been a commercial that I have an issue with.

Or at least make Austin be topless while giving his State Farm spiel. That would at least be somewhat forgivable.

Day 238: What Did Batman Say To Robin... About Movie Franchise Marathons

Holy movie marathon Batman!

If you were held captive and the only form of media you could watch were between two movies, would you rather watch eight consecutive hours of Star Wars or eight consecutive hours of Lord of the Rings?

I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this, but I have never seen more than one movie from either of these franchises.

A friend coerced me to sit with her and watch one of the Star Wars movies (not sure which one) in high school, and I stopped watching it after 20 minutes.


An ex-boyfriend coerced me to pay to see one of the Lord of the Rings movies (not sure which one) and I fell asleep at some point, woke up to see some big ogre guy, then dozed some more.


So regardless of which one I choose, it will be new to me.

That being said, I'm going to assume that I'm terrified that I'm being held captive, so I'd have to go with the one that's most likely to distract me and keep my mind occupied. Knowing what I know about Lord of the Rings from the short snippet of what I saw, I think it's the one with the most action and more modern cinematography, so by that reason and that reason alone, I'm going with Lord of the Rings.


If anything, it'd put me to sleep.

Day 237: Never Have I Ever... Cut Out The Negativity

I think it has to do with maturity. Back in grade school or high school, if I found out someone didn't like me or was mad at me, I'd not only make myself sick worrying about it, but I'd bend over backward being nice to him or her until I won them over.

While I unfortunately still care what people think (I'm working on improving this), I've found that I'm more selective regarding who I care about in this regard.


For example, I recently wrote on Facebook about a funny exchange I had with one of my colleagues. One of my Facebook friends commented on this exchange by saying "You're not that witty in person." I responded with, "You obviously don't know me that well."


First of all, the exchange I wrote about was virtually verbatim. So yes, I am that witty in person. Second of all, I let this comment affect me far longer than I should have, given it came from a Facebook friend who I worked with a few years ago and who I had to defend several times for his tool-like behavior.


So instead of dwelling on it, and figuring out how to win this friend over, I just decided to cut this negativity out of my life. Just like that. Never have I ever so easily and readily cut out negativity so I didn't spend time or energy on it. I unfriended this person from my "personal" Facebook account (my "real" account that I use with all of my friends) and left him on my "professional" Facebook account (the one for the public if a potential employer were to look me up). Problem solved.

I am aware that I'm a negative person, and I'm working on this. And it starts with cutting the extra negativity in my life.

Day 235: A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words... On An Apparently High Pig

Yes, this is what adorns the top of my cube along with his bull, bear, and rhino friends. The sticker eyes and necklace are from leftovers when we decorated stockings at work--which actually were all filled up by a secret Santa with chocolate, gum, and holiday-scented hand sanitizer (I got gingerbread).


And the background is my computer screen. But the message is obvious.

Last week's cliche: Snug as a bug in a rug

Day 234: Stop. Focus. Click... On Pure Joy

The snow started falling soon after I arrived at work this morning. It accumulated so quickly that the HR department at my work told us commuters to go home early.

So I did and in accordance with my routine, leashed up Chloe intending to take her on a quick "pee walk."

But when I got outside again, I actually took a look around me instead of just putting my head down and clomping along with dozens of commuters after getting off the train.

It was dusk, quiet, surprisingly not cold, and beautiful.
 
Nightfall had just arrived, and drivers were steering clear of the roads with eight inches and counting on the ground already. Plus, since it was still snowing, most of it was untouched.

So on impulse, I asked Chloe if she wanted to go to the small park two blocks away. I didn't have to ask her twice.

When we arrived, we were the only people there, of course, so I unclipped her leash, yelled "come on!" and started running through the still-falling snow with her prancing right alongside me.

And then I just let her go and watched a dog off her leash as she was meant to be through the gentle flakes whirling atop the dusk and thought about just how happy I was.

 

Day 233: Remember the Time... I Didn't Have To Miss American Idol

When I was little, I thought my dad could fix anything. He just seems to know how to fix whatever broke around the house, whether it was the sink or garbage disposal, computer, car, pool filter, hole in the wall, etc., regardless of whether or not it related to his expertise as an electrician. I know everything I know about handiwork from him.

What I don't know is what I was watching my dad fix back when I was little that impressed me so much, but what I do remember is telling him, "Daddy, you can fix anything that's broken. You can even fix the clouds." 


And he told me that one day he'd fix the clouds just for me.

The only thing that I can think of that my dad's shied away from fixing is the television. Even though he's an electrician, he said he won't go near the internal workings of a TV because it has so many components and unless you have the know-how, you should just leave it to the professionals.

But my dad raised me to believe that I can do anything. Never have I ever attempted to fix a television until today.

Granted, this fix was something I figured I'd be able to do since I quickly figured out the problem (a busted lamp that needed replacing) and was able to dig out explicit directions as to where to go to obtain a new one and how to put it in, but still. I'm generally pretty proud of attempting something new and succeeding - especially when it comes to handiwork. But I still gotta give credit where credit is due.


Thanks Dad.
 

Day 232: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... We'd Cut the Red Tape

There are very few people in a person's life - if any - that you can completely be yourself around. And I mean completely. Around these special people, you can speak your mind without a filter, and just be you without fear of judging or ridicule.

To me, that means everything.

This is never something you can do at work. At work, I feel like I'm constantly on edge. I worry that I'm not saying something politically correct enough, diplomatically enough, or gentle enough.

Plus, at work, you can't just fix a problem. I had a very simple issue the other day, but couldn't just simply fix it. I had to go through the red tape of figuring out the solution to a problem, then had to take it to the department in charge of fixing the problem, get their approval, talk to the person who will actually fix it, wait until he fixes it, check to see that it's fixed, and then approve it being fixed.

Seriously. Even though I'm smart enough to just take care of the problem on my own, I have to go through all these channels before it actually gets done. It just seems so inefficient.

In Lichtenstein, corporations are going to eliminate as much red tape as possible to save time, thereby saving money.

I mean, people are hired because they seem like the best of the best for the job, right?

So let them do their jobs and let them do it efficiently.

Day 231: What Did Batman Say To Robin... About Cowabunga, Dude!

Holy cowabunga Batman!

What was Michelangelo doing standing with no one around him at a Starbucks in Lincoln Park at 7 p.m.?

I think the answer is obvious. When a good guy, like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, is surrounded by bad guys, he always does one of two things. He either fights them one at a time while the others just stand around waiting their turns, or uses one or two of them to defeat the others, i.e. kicks one into another or ducks so one of the bad guy's punches hits another bad guy.

Therefore, Michelangelo has just finished a battle, but still has his fists up and is hyper-vigilant in case any of the bad guys come back.

The fight began in this normally quiet Starbucks in Lincoln Park because a spoiled Chicago socialite ordered a skinny vanilla latte with a dollop of foam and instead got just a smidgen. She, of course, threw a ridiculous, unreasonable fit that included cursing out customers trying to calm her down and throwing the hot drink at the barista.

Enter Michelangelo ready to stand up for the little guys - those hardworking employees behind the counter. Without hesitating, he yanked that girl right out of her Jimmy Choos, tossed her on her ass on the freezing cold sidewalk, and told her she'd better not lay even one perfectly manicured finger on any of the baristas ever again.

And just to ensure their protection he's on guard - as long as the pizzas keep coming.

Day 230: Never Have I Ever... Come Up With The Best Date Night Ever

I love musicals. Brent has tolerated musicals for me in the past (although he always - without fail - asks me why the cast feels the need to sing about everything).

Brent loves The Jersey Shore. I have tolerated The Jersey Shore during its run and always - without fail - wondered aloud how many STDs the cast members have contracted over the years.

And this is how it typically is with Brent and I - one of us will tolerate something the other loves because we know the other one loves it.

However, I have had several strokes of genius recently in which I have come up with perfect solutions to problems (the cheap unlimited car wash being one of them).

So how to solve the problem of one of us liking musicals and the other liking The Jersey Shore? Simple. I bought tickets for Jersey Shore: The Musical.

Brilliant.

After eating a delicious meal of grass-fed burgers, sweet potato fries, and Wisconsin cheese fries, we headed to the show. The first hour of the 90-minute show parodied the actual show, and the last half hour or so was dedicated to what happened to the cast members after the show ended.

The first hour was stomach-achingly funny. Among the cast's major pluses: Angelina being played by a man, Snookie's fantastic acting skills, Pauly D's spot-on depiction of his character's mannerisms ("SCRAMBLED EGGS - OH YEAH!"), and The Situation showing his (makeup-enhanced) abs every two minutes.

Extra bonus points were awarded after I ran into the guy who plays The Situation on my way to the bathroom. He proceeded to hit on me in character: ("Hey, baby. You come to see a show? 'Cause the show's right here [shows abs].")

The second portion of the show paled in comparison to the humor of the first half, but had its moments.

Now if I could only apply this genius to coming up with brilliant ideas at work, I'd be on the fast track to office window status!

Day 229: Shakespeare's High School Poetry... On Being Overwhelmed

A quatrain is a stanza or poem consisting of four lines. Lines two and four must rhyme while having a similar number of syllables.

This poem is about having an impossible number of tasks on your plate at work between meetings and webinars, but knowing that somehow, someway, you have to get them done, done well, and done on time.

Rainbow

My calendar used to be black and white.

Some days my meetings and deadlines numbered none.

But now I must use a strict color-coding system

And it's tough to always get the colors done.

Day 228: A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words... On Seeing Things That Make You Go "Aww"

One word for this... Awwwwwww!

Last week's cliche: Over the hill

Day 227: Stop. Focus. Click... On Nighttime Magic

The holidays are over and the dreary winter months are upon us. However, the holiday lights are still up. So even though it looks crappy out my window during the day, it still looks magical at night.

Day 226: Remember the Time... Just Tell Me It's Going To Be OK, Even If It Isn't

One day it was there.

I was petting Chloe's head and grazed a bump on the back of her skull. I parted the fur to reveal what looked like a large, hard mole. But I've petted my pooch's head for seven years and never came across it before.

So I took her to the vet who looked at it and said it could be something, it could be nothing.

It was something.

Remember the time I wanted to be spoken to as if I were a child and not a mom who was already really worried about her baby?

Instead of hearing the words 'needle biopsy' and 'tumor' and 'excise' while feeling the weight of my nervous pup huddled against my leg that was probably shaking as much as her, part of me just wanted the vet to speak to me as if I were a child to take the fear away:

"Your doggie has a boo-boo, but next week I'm going to make it all better and she'll be fine." 

These are the kinds of words we'd use with children. Innocent children. We shelter them from the harsh realities of the real world because they're just too young to understand how horrific the world can be. And in many ways, I do believe that ignorance is bliss.

However, of course the responsible adult in me wanted to know exactly what the surgery entailed and how serious she thought it would be, but Chloe is my baby. And knowing something might be wrong with my baby that could possibly cause her pain is gut-wrenching. 

I have to keep it in perspective and remember that the vet said there were only a few abnormal cells, so she wants to remove the whole thing just to be sure, but it's hard.


What would I do without my baby?

Day 225: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... You'll Know It When You Look Good

Sometimes I'll be walking to work and see a woman wearing a really cute pair of boots or a really trendy hat or an adorable outfit. I'll see this woman and think these things, but don't always vocalize my thoughts. 

I took a shower yesterday and braided my wet hair before going to bed. It dried overnight so when I shook out the braids this morning, I was left with '80s-style crimped hair just for something different.

Brent happened to call me early this morning, and before we hung up, he jokingly asked me how many compliments I had gotten on my hair (he HATES the way it looks when I do it that way). I told him - truthfully - that two people said they really liked, including one guy who went out of his way to come to my desk just to tell me he liked my hair.

And by the end of the day, the number of unprompted compliments numbered six. - including another guy who told me I looked especially nice overall. And each and every one of these compliments felt good. They always do.

That's why, in Lichtenstein, we'll be more vocal about what we're thinking when it's positive. We won't make stuff up just to compliment someone, but when that thought crosses our minds, we won't hesitate to dish it out.


The world will undoubtedly appear much sunnier.

Day 224: What Did Batman Say to Robin... About The Sniffles

Holy pass the tissues Batman!

Would you rather be extremely sick (bed-ridden) for one week or slightly sick (headache, runny nose, and cough) for one month?

Even though both of these scenarios suck, for me, this is an easy call. I'd much rather be slightly sick for a month.

I hate being any kind of sick. At the first inkling of a headache, I reach for the Aleve. At the first sniffle, I grab some Sudafed. So even when I'm slightly sick, it isn't long until I have relief. (And even though I'm feeling better, I don't always tell people taking care of me that I feel better. Yeah I admit I milk it sometimes!)

But when you're extremely sick, there is no amount of over-the-counter medication that's going to make you feel even slightly better. It's just absolute misery until the sickness runs its course or the antibiotics you get after dragging yourself to the doctor start to take effect many days later.

So even though the horrible sickness would only last a week, I'd much rather be slightly uncomfortable for a month. Or as the people taking care of me would think, so uncomfortable that I can't cook or clean or do chores!

Day 223: Never Have I Ever... Attempted To Finess A Win... Which We All Know Never Works

As you may recall, I have grown to love the challenging card game bridge. I've been playing for a few months now, but still usually raise several questions per hand and am constantly seeking reassurance for my decisions from the elite bridge players at work (which they're always happy to give me, and for that I'm grateful).

I was just getting comfortable playing with a partner and another team of two when it happened - I was asked to play duplicate bridge for the first time.

Duplicate bridge is an eight-person game played by splitting into teams of two, with two teams per table. The same bridge deal is played at each table and scoring is based on relative performance. The element of skill is heightened because essentially the goal of the game is to play your hand better than that of another team who played that exact same hand.

First of all, I have little skill with this game because I'm still learning. I consider myself to be at the point where I understand why what I did was not a good move, but not at the point where I don't make those bad moves in the first place.

So trying to outdo another team made up of bridge tournament champions just had bad news bears written all over it.


Luckily, my friend Brian asked to be paired with me, presumably so that all the other players would have a chance at winning, and we began to play. I'm usually pretty bold - mostly because I like to see what happens if I do something. However, during this game, I was adhering strictly to the conventional rules of bridge and bidding extremely conservatively.

And because of this - and because of sheer luck that the other teams weren't making their contracts - we were in first place at the end of the second of three rounds.


I made sure to screw that up, however, with a disastrous round of no trump and we ended up in third. Not bad for my first time, though!

Day 222: Shakespeare's High School Poetry... On Breaking Control

An epigram is a very short, ironic and witty poem usually written as a brief couplet or quatrain.

 

Many are humorous, but I feel that this type of poem lends itself well to being a quote, so I'm leaning toward making it more of a powerful statement. I'm hoping this helps those who are still out there.

 

It's only an addiction

If you let that need control you.

Day 221: A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words... On Wheeeeeee!

It's all downhill from here...

Last week's cliche: Monkey business

Day 220: Stop. Focus. Click... On Disguises

Out of the four of us, I must say that Tony's mustache disguise is by far the most convincing.

Oh the things we come up with as reasons to take breaks from work.

Day 219: Remember the Time... Uber Confidence Does Not Always Help Win Bets

Every school day during first grade, we'd start the day by reciting the pledge of allegiance, then would recite the names of the U.S. Presidents. Their pictures formed the border around the classroom. We started with just Washington, then every few days would add the president's successor so before long we'd be reciting, "Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe..." all the way to George W. Bush.

Brent did not know this about me, so when he was boasting about how easy it was to name all the NFL teams, which was one of Sporcle's daily challenges today, I retorted that naming sports teams was too easy and that I bet he couldn't get a perfect score on the "Name All The U.S. Presidents" quiz.

He, predictably, said there was no way I could do that either, so I pulled up the quiz and said, "What do you wanna bet?" I then (stupidly) agreed to something completely ridiculous if I lost because I was that confident that I'd win.

I had 10 minutes to name them all and named 40 out of 42 in under four minutes. But then I started panicking because I always get tripped up with the order around Teddy Roosevelt because I tend to skip the five presidents between him and Franklin Roosevelt.

This was the case this time, so I started thinking about my work with the U.S. Presidents on the timelines project I am working on at work. That worked for four of the five names.

There was just one I could not think about as I watched the clock tick down to zero. 

Woodrow Wilson. I got all the "forgotten" presidents, like Harrison, who served just 32 days in office, but forgot Woodrow Wilson - the star of the "Bart the Lover" Simpsons episode where Bart writes love letters to his teacher Mrs. Krabappel to get revenge on her for giving him a month's detention.

Therefore, I lost the bet. And was taught a little something about my confidence. Brent has told me several times that it's great to be confident, but oftentimes I'm so confident that it turns into cockiness and rubs people the wrong way.

And of course when you're overly confident about something and it backfires, it's that much more shattering to you when you lose.

But I learned something about myself and vow to try to be confident, but not cocky. And keep the trash talking to myself because I just feel silly when I can't back that up.

Day 218: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... You Won't Find A Penny And Pick It Up

In the United States, there are 11 forms of currency up to the $20 bill.  We have the penny, nickel, dime, quarter, half-dollar, dollar coin, $1 bill, $2 bill, $5 bill, $10 bill, and $20 bill. I don't mind having change in my pockets, but all the different types of currency seems silly.

But it's necessary because of the way items in every store is priced. It's rare to find something that costs $10. It will either be priced $9.95 or $9.99. With taxes, that item will end up costing a consumer $10.61.

In Lichtenstein, we're only gong to have paper money in denominations that make sense - $1, $5, $10, and $20. And taxes will either be non-existent or, more likely, included. Therefore, items will cost whole numbers, and when you see an item that costs $10 at a store, you will need just $10 to purchase that item. No more digging for exact change or paying for gas with a bag of pennies.

The only negative I see with this plan is that since there won't be any coin money in my country, people will miss out on the pure joy of finding a heads-up quarter glinting on the ground just begging to be picked up.

I guess people will have to settle for finding lost dollar bills.

Day 217: What Did Batman Say to Robin... About The Real World

Holy candles on your birthday cake Batman!

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

I've always maintained that if I could be any age forever, I would be 10 years old. You're at the age where you have some independence, but a large part of your life is still play. By this point you have friends, still believe in magic, and use your imagination. Plus, you can still rely on your parents to make you all your meals and take care of you and in some circumstances still whine about the unfairness of life.


As I've gotten older, I realized that I think I'd rather be 18 years old forever. At that age, you have a driver's license so you'd be free to drive anywhere. Plus, you could still get away with not having a job without it being pathetic. You'd be an adult so you could make adult decisions, but any dumb ones could be attributed to the fact that you're still "just a teenager."

Maybe this is because one of the greatest times of my life was October through January of my senior year of high school. I was single, I had a great group of friends, and I was having a blast.

Regardless which age I choose - of which I'm leaning toward 18 - it won't be an age over 18. Over 18 means the real world, which I was not prepared for nor do I particularly like. When I was sheltered, I believed in things and thought things were possible.

So how old would I be if I didn't know I was 29?

Independent Yet Sheltered From The Bad Of The World Years Old.

Day 216: Never Have I Ever... Been The Only Woman at a Gentleman's Club With Her Clothes On

I spent my 21st birthday at a male strip club in Canada. Where the drinking age is 19. Go figure.

I wrote a news story about the proliferation of nudity in places where nudity isn't legal - like in clubs and bars during wet T-shirt contests that turned into no T-shirts or pants contests. 


I've both watched porn for my own enjoyment and while at work while I was working on a potential story about a Toledo police officer doing porn in his city uniform. I've seen movies with scenes in strip clubs.

And I've eaten strip steak at the restaurant in the most expensive strip club in New York City.


But never have I ever actually sat and watched a female stripper do her thing, then go up to the stage to tip her and have her reward me by burying my face in her chest.


I recently went to one of the several strip clubs in Toledo on a random Tuesday and was expecting to see less-than-stellar talent. It was a weekday and we were in Toledo, after all.


I, however, was pleasantly surprised right after walking through the door and seeing a tall, thin, attractive blond with small, but natural breasts onstage. The next girl was black and curvy in the right places.
 
"Where do they get these girls?" I asked the friend who dragged me to the "gentleman's club" in which I willingly obliged because I had never been to it before.
 
Most of the other girls were tall and thin with nice moves onstage, but absolutely no breasts. I was shocked at the fact that there was absolutely nothing ("bee stings" my friend said when I mentioned them). If I had just been looking at their chests and nothing more, I would have thought they were men.


While I was watching them do their thing, all I wanted to do was pay one of them enough for her to tell me the truth - do they actually enjoy any part of their job? Which part? What do they actually want to be doing (the real answer; not the one they give the clients)? Do their friends and family know what they do? How high/drunk are they when they're dancing?


I had thought that my friend would get extra attention for being there with a woman. He wasn't, after all, one of those creepy guys who go to a strip club alone.

The opposite happened, however, which surprised me. He got zero attention and the guys who were there alone or with a buddy got all the attention, which led me to conclude that a woman may be the best wingman, but not to pick up strippers. 


I was also surprised how much the men could touch the women. They weren't coping a feel or anything, but they were running their hands up and down their legs and backs when they were dancing, which I had thought was strictly forbidden. But this was also not exactly the classiest place, so you live and learn.


So after we had watched all the strippers, we picked our favorite (which happened to be the blond we saw right when we walked in) to tip. I saw the way the women were picking up the tips from the other tippers (including with their crotch as they did this crazy headstand flip to trap the bill between their legs), so I was a little nervous and was hoping just to give the girl some cash.


So when I slid the dollar bill toward her, I kind of pulled away. She, however, gave me a wide grin and leaned in toward me like she was going to give me a hug. Instead she mashed my face against her breast and I left still smelling her perfume on my shirt.

Never have I ever gone to a strip club to watch the show, and next time I'll see if I can have that conversation with one of the girls to assuage my curiosity.

Day 215: Shakespeare's High School Poetry... On Not Enough Training In The Kitchen

An ABC Poem is one that has five lines and creates a mood, picture, or feeling. Lines 1 through 4 are made up of words, phrases or clauses while the first word of each line is in alphabetical order. Line 5 is one sentence long and begins with any letter.

I spend a good part of my Sundays in the kitchen. I like to make really good Sunday dinners, and while I'm in there, I also make lunches and snacks for the week. This poem is about the sometimes unknown aspects of how food will turn out in the kitchen. And the daunting task of cooking after a full day's work.

Kitchen Dreams... Or Nightmares

Although I don't always know what the outcome will be
Because I've never had any formal training
Cooking and experimenting in the kitchen is something I enjoy
Doing, but only on weekends.
Evenings during the week are meant for takeout.