Day 274: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... Customer Service Would Be At Your Service

I'm already not pleased when I have to call apartment building managers, the doctor's office, or virtually any customer service known to man. So why do they always make it so much tougher for me to keep my sanity on hold by forcing me to listen to horrible, repetitive, tinny music?

This was all too reinforced when I had to call the IRS the other day - yes, I had to call the IRS in March - and was on hold for 38 minutes. THIRTY-EIGHT MINUTES of grinding, looping, horrific "hold" music before I got a very cheery woman with a southern accent asking me how "I can help y'all out."


In Lichtenstein, every customer service center will always be overstaffed. That way holds, and, naturally hold music, will be eliminated. I can't even in good conscious want to improve hold music because all I'd be doing is making a bad problem just a little bit better. I'm here to solve problems.

Of course there will be downtime, but that downtime will be well spent on solving the problems that cause people to call customer service in the first place, whether that is making language a bit clearer or figuring out how to make less inferior products so they don't break, causing people to call customer service.

Day 273: What Did Batman Say To Robin... About Brainwaves

Holy going against the grain Batman!

What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

This one's easy. Think. I think differently than most people. Or at least this is something I have to believe.

For starters, I have a line from a song playing in my head at all hours of the day. It could be the song from a commercial (damn you catchy mattress and cat food jingles) a song I hear on the radio, or one I recognize that someone is humming near me (right now I have "Thriller" by Michael Jackson playing on a continuous loop). 

Second, I am not always in control of my brain. It runs away from me and sometimes leads me to dark places without my consent. You'd think that your brain is in your head, so you should be able to control it, right? Not always for me.

And third I feel like I bounce from idea to idea and thought to thought and emotion to emotion faster and more forcefully than most people. This is a strength in brainstorming situations, for example, but a hindrance when I have to focus on a single task or need to remember just one thing (which I can easily forget because my mind will wander elsewhere).

So my mind works differently than most people's.But it's me. And that's OK.

Day 271: Shakespeare's High School Poetry... On The Big Screen

Naani means an expression of one and all. The poem type consists of 4 lines of 20 to 25 syllables, but is not bound to a particular subject. Generally it depends upon human relations and current statements.

Films

Living vicariously

Through on-screen characters

Takes the monotony

Away from my life.

Day 270: A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words... On Unpleasant Surprises

Bet he didn't expect opening this from a friend who he thought had wanted to bury the hatchet.

Last week's cliche: He bought it hook, line, and sinker

Day 269: Stop. Focus. Click... On Please Play With Your Food

Carved fruit always gave our buffet meals an extra festive touch in the Dominican Republic.

 

Day 268: Remember the Time... Encyclopedias Were Sold Door To Door

I love talking to people. It's one of the reasons I was a good journalist. I had no problems going up to anyone, anywhere, even if it was a man wearing filthy overalls at a gas station because I was interested in why he had so much scrap metal in his truck bed for a story I was working on.

On my recent business trip, I had an opportunity to talk to two members of our sales force - one of whom had been with my company since 1974. That's right - for eight years before I was even born.

The stories these two women told were fascinating. They had, after all, been with the company since the sales force were charged with selling encyclopedia sets at county fairs and door to door. They took me back to a time when my company was "a book company" with just five products that would never have CDs.

One of the sales reps couldn't afford a set, but was told that if she sold three sets to three other people, she could give up her commission and instead receive a set of encyclopedias. She thought that would be easy, and for her at that time it was. She stuck with the company after those initial sales.

 

I learned that the dreaded response was from stay-at-home moms saying, "I'll have to talk to my husband," and that before e-mail, the stack of faxes the reps would receive would sometimes topple over because they were so high.

When the Internet exploded, these ladies said they were terrified as to what it would do to the business. They had be cracking up when the told the story that it took four ladies several hours in a hotel room to figure out how to connect to the Internet, even though one of the women had brought her phone from home. And the reason they weren't successful was that they had forgotten to plug in the Internet cable.

In some ways it sounded like a much simpler time and in others it seemed more difficult. Either way, it was fascinating.

Day 267: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... Screwing Over A Friend Means Jail Time

My neighboring cubemate at work is a crazed Chicago Blackhawks fan, as evidenced by her Blackhawks screensaver, calendar, and headband she keeps in her cube at work.

So when I heard that my hockey team - the Detroit Redwings - was coming to Chicago to battle the Hawks, I suggested we get tickets. A few other colleagues wanted to come along, so I (stupidly) decided to put the cost of all the tickets on my credit card and have everyone pay me for them individually

This was not an issue for one of my colleagues, who paid me right away. It became a bit of an issue when one of my friends had to back out a few days before the game, but thankfully we were able to find another colleague who wanted to come along.

But it really became an issue when, while I was en route back to Chicago from my business trip, that my cubemate texted me to tell me that one of our colleagues couldn't go to the game. And he told her of this fact hours before the game (even though we had asked him several times to make sure he still wanted to go). Without paying me for his ticket. Leaving me having to scramble for someone who was not only free for the night, but who also wanted to trek downtown and pay $87 for a hockey game.

Luckily my cubemate was able to put a sense of urgency in the matter and find someone free for what turned out to be a hilarious and fun evening - starting with a limo ride to a pizza parlor, Eduardo's, where my very drunk colleague waltzed in the door with an open beer demanding to be served by Eduardo himself - and ending with me literally babysitting said colleague and putting him on his train only to see him wandering off from my train's window. In between was a close hockey game that saw my Wings lose by just one goal.

However, in Lichtenstein, it is going to be against the law to screw over a friend like that. The law would see to it that that friend paid for his ticket and then was out that ticket or that money if he couldn't find a replacement because he was at fault for not being able to make the game.

This kind of thing should be simple courtesy, but when that fails, in LIchtenstein the law takes over.

Day 266: What Did Batman Say To Robin... About Morphing Into A Car To Help A Brother Out

Holy uncomfortable situation Batman!

In this old cartoon, Turbo Teen, a teenager had the ability to literally transform into a sports car. If you were a car and agreed to have you friend use you as a car on his date, what would your next move be when your friend and his date got hot and heavy and started having sex on you?

This question obviously depends on how hot the chick is. If she's one of those barely legal chicks with a too-good-to-be-true bangin' body, then I say I'd remain as a car and enjoy the show. Sure, it might be uncomfortable to essentially be the bed in this threesome, but there would be plenty of  opportunities to innocuously cop a feel.

But if it were some chick my buddy just picked up because he was looking to get some, I'd probably stop the sesh before it gets started by morphing back into a person and start yelling about what a perv my friend is. It'd be a total cock block move, but better than having some hot, sweaty ugly chick rubbing up all on me.

Day 263: A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words... On Flipping Some Cash

Flipper's come out to do some damage.

 
Last week's cliche: It's a small, small world

Day 262: Stop. Focus. Click... On Doing Nothing

As I'm nearing the end of my Dominican Republic vacation, I'm realizing that there's just so much "nothing" I can do before I go stir crazy. I have determined that five days is enough, but seven is too many. It's still beautiful here, though.

 

Day 260: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... First-Come, First Serve Basis Would Rule

We woke up relatively early this morning, considering we were on vacation, and were looking forward to laying by the pool all morning and afternoon.

So we headed out to the long pool that winds its way along the length of the resort. We passed dozens and dozens of lawn chairs - some of which had a hat or a book on them. The rest of them had the ubiquitous white towels from the resort on them to "reserve" them.

So there I was standing in the middle of a sea of empty blue lawn chairs - each with a white towel on them, and several with one towel draped across several chairs - feeling frustrated that no one was occupying the chairs, yet I felt like I couldn't take over any of them because they were "reserved."

What was more frustrating was that once I scrounged up two together by dragging one from the pool and another that was not reserved because it was slightly broken, I sat there for hours near "reserved" chairs that no one came to claim while people who were ready to sit out by the pool circled like vultures waiting for people to leave.

I have come to realize that I cannot tolerate what I consider unfairness. It was unfair of people to reserve chairs for hours while they lallygagged around in bed while others wanted to use them, but didn't want to be rude.

In Lichtenstein, everything is on a first-come, first-serve basis. The first people to the pool are the ones who get the lawn chairs. The first people to the concert get the front row, etc. If you truly cared about something, you'd be one of the first to get there and would stay there.

Day 259: What Did Batman Say to Robin... About Blind Love

Holy philosophical feelings about love, Batman!

If love is blind, then how can we believe in love at first sight?

Some may believe in love at first sight, but I absolutely do not. I believe in mutual attraction, but you simply cannot romantically love someone the first time you see them.

Love is built on a foundation of trust, and the bricks and mortar include mutual respect, honesty, and compromise among many, many others.

When you first meet someone, you could be instantly attracted to them because of the way they look or their mannerisms, but you don't know anything deeper than that. You don't know whether he'll be there for you when your grandmother has passed away or whether she'll stick by you through a major surgery.

The only way you can find this out is by spending time together and building a relationship.

That being said, I do believe that love is blind. Love looks past age, race, gender, wealth, etc., because you can't help who you fall in love with. Sometimes it's someone you've known your entire life, and sometimes it's someone who is absolutely not your type, yet you've spent time with that person and you end up falling in love.

So yes, love is blind, and those who believe in love at first sight have also probably seen leprechauns and unicorns.

Day 258: Never Have I Ever... Felt Stressed Around Palm Trees

Whenever I see palm trees, I know I'm on vacation. They're a symbol of relaxation and fun for me.

These are the palm trees I snapped on one of the first days in the (sometimes very windy) Dominican Republican.

Never have I ever been to the Dominican Republic. My first impression of the country was at the airport - which was essentially a bamboo hut with large fans attempting to act as air conditioners as the masses of people waited in line after line for tourist passes and to get through security and customs.

After that headache, we piled into a van to get to the resort. On the way we passed rusty lean-tos, wooden shacks, and places with debris piled up everywhere where people were hanging out on plastic lawn chairs. And then we passed a group of maids walking up the long road to the five-star resort we were staying at for a week.

The resort was stunning, but such a stark contrast to the rest of the country. It was easy to forget about the poverty outside the gates of the resort with all the beauty inside, but it just didn't change the fact that it was still there. While I felt horrible when I thought about it, it also reminded me to feel grateful for what I do have. I am blessed, and I can't forget that.

Day 256: A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words... On The Universe

It blows my mind sometimes to think about just how miniscule we are in the grand scheme of things.

Last week's cliche: The grass is always greener on the other side

Day 255: Stop. Focus. Click... On My Punkers

Glad you're feeling better punkin'.

Day 253: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... I'm Not Paying For Five Inches

I hate going to and being at several places: the pharmacy, the post office, the doctor's office, and the airport. Even more than I hate being at the airport, however, is having to deal with all the airport-y formalities, like waiting in line after line, dealing with delays and cancellations, hauling around heavy luggage, baggage fees, layovers, taking off my shoes for security, and all the nickel-and-dimeing that goes on with every step of the process.

They now charge you if you want to choose your seats at the self check-in kiosks. And I'm not even talking about first class or the emergency exit rows. Every time I tried to change my seat to anywhere else on the plane, it wanted to charge me $12, $19, or $21. This is of course before all the luggage fees.

And then when I was sitting waiting to board the plane, I saw that I could pay to upgrade my seat to have "five extra inches of laptop space."Five inches? That's the length of a pencil, and this is what you're touting?

Baloney.

In Lichtenstein, the price you pay online for your airline ticket is the price you will pay to get to where you want to go. There will be no extra charges for luggage, and seating will be on a first-come, first-serve basis.

Also, our planes will be extra long with a single aisle and two seats on each side with enough room in front of you to sit comfortably. Plus this way, the middle seat will be eliminated.

Those who are flying internationally will get the "bed planes". Having to sit in a cramped seat for hours is unacceptable. Those who are going over oceans or entire continents will be "seated" in one of the rows and rows of chairs that recline into a beds. Each will have its own TV filled with movies to watch, so flying these distances will not only be tolerable, but comfortable.

Flying to Lichtenstein is the way flying should be.

Day 252: What Did Batman Say to Robin... About The Future

Holy Chinese "in bed" deliciousness!

Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?

The answer to this question has to be a resounding "no."First of all, there are no expiration dates on the fortunes. Secondly, I know a lot of people - myself included - who save the good ones for inspiration. I usually tape them to the front of my yearly planner, but I've seen people tape them to their headboards or cubes at work.

They're usually great inspiration for when I write or plan for the future, which is why I keep them near my calendar.

Besides, who wants to think that, "You will one day be great" has an expiration date?

Day 251: Remember the Time... Men Would Be Horrible Party Planners

When I plan parties, I cover all my bases. I clean, put together a music playlist, plan the menu, and usually spend the day cooking said menu. 

Before guests arrive, I light candles, make sure there are enough seats for everyone to sit comfortably arranged in a conversation semi-circle, and put the finishing touches on my carefully planned outfit.

I was telling some colleagues about the plans I have for an upcoming party I'm planning soon, and found out that one of my male colleagues was having a party that same night.

So I of course asked him if he'd already made food ahead of time. He gave me a strange look and said that each of his friends bring enough beer for themselves and enough cash to pay the pizza delivery person.

So then I asked him if he at least cleaned his place. His response?

"Dude, I just have to make sure I get home in time to flush the toilet before they get there."

Ugh. Men.

Day 249: A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words... On Perspective

No one but me is allowed to read my journal, but since this is something I doodled one day when I happened to have a black and green pen on me, I thought it'd be OK to photocopy it for this week's cliche.

Last week's cliche: No news is good news

Day 248: Stop. Focus. Click... On Frankenpup

Chloe Belle is getting her stitches out tomorrow from the small tumor we found on the back of her head, but it's been a rough week and a half. She could hardly keep her eyes open the day of the surgery.

She hates this cone I have to put on her whenever we're not home.

And her eight stitches scare me, but the vet said she got good margins, so Miss Chloe should be good to go. Whenever she can lose the cone, that is.

Day 247: Remember the Time... I Changed My Look on a Whim

I had to pin my small amount of side-swept bangs with a bobby pin today after my right eye became so irritated from the hair getting in there. 

I forgot about them until I was walking home from work and saw that the salon I live above was open late. So I changed my walking trajectory, walked into the salon, and asked if they could trim my bangs.

And since I had just watched New Girl the day before, I must have been thinking about how adorkable Zooey Deschanel looked with her thick brunette bangs when I told the hairdresser to give me straight-across bangs. Remember the time that I haven't had straight-across bangs since I was five years old? It's amazing how something so simple can straight-up change-up your look.


But you know what? Life is too short for long drawn-out thought processes for something as simple as shorter hair. I'm proud of myself. Plus it doesn't look half bad.

Day 246: If I Ruled Lichtenstein...

Whenever my parents would take me to an amusement park when I was younger, I'd always ask to go on the bumper cars.

I'd let my siblings choose their cars first, then of course I'd choose one directly facing one of them so I could deliver the first whack.


I'd always marvel at the fact that essentially we were getting into accidents on purpose, yet the bumper cars remained unscathed.


So I started asking questions about why cars aren't made out of rubber so they'd just bounce off each other instead of dent. I've been told that not only would they be ugly, but it wouldn't work at the much higher rate of speed that actual cars go.


Well if this were true, then why do bumper guards exist? You know, those rubber pads you attach to the front and/or back license plates or fenders of your car so it doesn't get scratched if someone bumps it while parallel parking? 


I still think it could work. So in Lichtenstein, the center circumference of all cars will be a wall of rubber so fender benders and minor bumps will be a thing of the past. We might have a few more whiplash cases, but at least those people won't have to pay the hospital and the mechanic.