"Hey Mark - are you going anywhere near Olgivie [train station]?" I asked one of my teammates after we lost our playoff game in the first round. (Not surprising - we lost every single one of our games, too.)
"I don't even know where that is," he replied.
"Oh, OK then. Nevermind - I'll just get a cab," I said.
"Get in. But you have to tell me where it is," he said.
Ah. The bliss of those who don't know me and the disasters that come with me + directions. The conversation continued as such with me directing Mark from the passenger seat:
I don't know where the train station is. I just tell the cab driver to take me there and then he does.
Look it up. And get in - I've already moved my McDonald's salad off the front seat.
Who gets salad at McDonald's?
I had to have something healthy. Why, what do you get?
French fries. What the hell else would I get?
A salad.
What, you mean you don't eat chili before playing basketball?
Absolutely not. Where am I going?
I don't know. Why are you already driving?
I'm taking you to the train station! Are you going to tell me where it is?
I told you I don't know where it is.
Where are you going?
You tell me!
Hold on, you're probably going the right way anyway... OK, got it. You need to turn around.
You said I was going the right way!
Well you will be when you turn around and go onto Halstead, which we're already on. Except we're not. Go to Halstead.
This is Blackhawk.
Blackhawk? That isn't even on my map.
Oh for the love of God.
Why don't you just head downtown?
I don't know where downtown is!
It's where those tall buildings are! Look, I can see it from here! It's straight ahead. Just go there.
OK, just go straight right through that "Road Closed Follow Detour" sign?
I guess not. Maybe you should follow the detour.
I have no other choice!
OK then follow the detour!
So where now?
Just follow this blue dot.
What blue dot?
This blue dot on my iPhone.
What the hell are you talking about?
Just turn right here. You know how much you remind me of my friend Iggy? It's crazy
Really? Oh yeah, did you hear [our lame teammate whose name we don't care to remember because he's a douchebag, but we know it stars with a K] Kumar when he said, "Well guys, you should just pass me the ball all the time."
Why does Kumar sound like Kermit the Frog?
Cause he's a douchebag. That's how they all sound.
Oh. Right... WHY are you going straight?
You didn't tell me to turn!
I said right!
I thought you were talking about Kumar!
Stop calling him Kumar! Kumar is cool. Our Kumar is a douchebag!
I know, right! And YES, turn right.
Right? You're sure.
Yes, I'm sure.
You're sure... ON THE EXPRESSWAY?!
WHAT? WHY ARE WE ON THE EXPRESSWAY?!
YOU TOLD ME TO GO ON THE EXPRESSWAY!
I DIDN'T TELL YOU TO GET ON THE EXPRESSWAY! I TOLD YOU TO TURN RIGHT! RIGHT WAS THE EXPRESSWAY!
WHY ARE WE ON THE EXPRESSWAY!? GET OFF THE EXPRESSWAY! ... Or, actually, if you just want to keep heading this way, it's the way to my apartment. Do you want to take me to Arlington Heights?
Absolutely not! Get Garmin. Type it in.
OK, OK, fine. Are you mad at me?
Yes! No, of course not. Don't be silly.
OK just checking.
And yes, we actually did make it to the train station and no he wasn't late for his third-shift job.
But as for giving me a ride ever again... I'm not holding my breath.
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