"I promise I'll read the first entire paragraph of the plant article because I know you've spent months updating and improving it," I said to my colleague, Brian. "But I don't think I can read all 30 pages of it. That might be a little too much."
"Well gymnosperm and angiosperm aren't for everyone," he replied.
"What-o-sperm?" I asked. "What's that?"
"That's a type of plant," he replied. "There's lots of sperm in the plant world. Flowers are essentially nature's genitals."
"What!?" I replied. "Come on."
"No, I'm serious," he replied, grabbing the F volume of the encyclopedia set I have at my desk. He flipped to the "flower" article and proceeded to give me the plant version of the birds and the bees story by explaining pollination, which is essentially plant sex. Remember the time I extensively discussed plant sex at work?
He said that actual bees land on certain flowers and pollinate them, which means the bees disturb the seeds containing the sperm of the flower. This allows the sperm to float and land on the receptive part of the flower that leads to its ovaries, which fertilizes it and leads to reproduction.
"So what you're saying," started my colleague, Heather, who was listening to the conversation from her neighboring cube, "is that the pollen that causes people to have horrible allergies is plant jizz?"
"Is that what you're saying?" I asked Brian in horror. "Does this mean that whenever I walk through a park full of gorgeous wildflowers in the spring, what I'm actually doing is walking through a cloud of ejaculation?"
"Pretty much," Brian replied. "There's all kinds of sex going on on the plant world all of the time. They have as much sex as we do!"
"Why is it that whenever we talk extensively about something, it always leads to sex?" I asked Brian, shaking my head. "Next thing you know, we'll invent a makeout room or something."
"We already did that," he said.
"Oh right," I said. "Well, maybe the plants can use it."
"To spread their plant jizz?" Heather asked.
"Can you even say that at work?" Brian asked her.
"Oh Brian. You have no idea what we say at work over here," I said, shaking my head at his naivety. "Just before you came over, I was emphasizing to my boss that we had to be tough with our developers by saying 'we have to go in there iron fisting them.' Yes, I said we needed to be 'fisting' them."
"I'm not surprised," Brian said, laughing.
"OK, Brian," I said. "After this conversation, I am intrigued and now look forward to reading every word of your 30-page plant article."
The morale of the story: Whenever you want to get someone to do something, make a reference to sex.
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