Remember the time that I've known myself for 29 years, 3 months, and nine days and yet at times have no idea who I am or what I want or why I do what I do?
I actually said the sentence, "I don't know why I do what I do" today when a colleague grabbed my arm for the third time and asked me why I don't make sure it's safe to cross a busy street in downtown Chicago before attempting to do so.
I thought back on that moment during my 45-minute commute home (I tend to do a lot of self-reflection on walks and train rides) and felt the same again when I got home when I just found myself restless looking for something constructive to do.
This is a recurring theme with me, but it's just been especially prevalent lately. Sure, people change as they grow and learn, but (as a recent Facebook post of mine illustrated) I just feel like I'm having a midlife crisis or something where I know that I want and need something, yet have no idea what that is and am frustrated that I can't figure it out.
And I'm continuously surprising myself at what I believe to be true only to realize that I'm completely wrong when someone points it out to me. And then it just looks obvious. Like when I say, "My favorite dessert is Pinkberry!" and absolutely believe it to be true, and a friend stops me and says "Uh, no, Erika your favorite dessert is flan" and I then have to respond with, "Oh yeah, I guess it is" because I realize that my friend is right.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say here (pun not even intended). All I know is maybe the shock of life's curveballs is now catching up to me or maybe I'm getting extra tripped up on these weird moments I've been having where it's like I'm watching myself in this life instead of living it.
I don't know what it is, but I hope to figure it out sometime soon. Hopefully before another 29 years, three months, and nine days go by.
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