Day 122: Stop. Focus. Click... On The Little Things in Life

It's the mundane things that can really make your day:

Waking up thinking it's time to get up then seeing that you still have an hour to sleep.

Thinking you're going to miss the early train home and getting to the train station with 30 seconds to spare.

Preparing to moisturize before seeing that the lotion you squeezed in your hand is in the exact shape of a penis. I can't make this stuff up.

Day 121: Remember the Time... I am Definitely Not a Ninja

It's been a week, and my ankle is still swollen.

Remember the time I did a kickboxing class at lunch and tried to keep up with my colleague who I've since found out is a ninja, which led to me spraining my ankle?

I was unaware that my colleague, Mike, travels around the world competing in Jiu-Jitsu tournaments when I was (unsuccessfully) attempting to run as fast, lunge as fast, and punch as hard as him. All that led to was failure on my part and a sprained, swollen, hurt ankle.

It really hurt, and I spent the rest of the afternoon taking care of it in the obvious way: with a steel water bottle tied to my ankle with a tank top. (I would have had to walk all the way downstairs to get an ice pack at CVS.) And of course the only pair of shoes I had with me was sky high heels, which I had to wear for the rest of the day. Going down the hall to the bathroom was painful enough.

But sprained ankle and pain be damned - I'm still playing basketball with my brand-new team on Monday.

Day 120: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... Gift-Giving Would Be Casual

I feel so relieved every year around this time. It's because in the four weeks leading up to the end of September, I've had to find the perfect gift for the seven people I'm closest to in this entire world. That's a whole hell of a lot of pressure.

I can handle the majority of the gift-buying. My brother loves Ohio State and beer, and my sister loves all things girly. Simple! Ohio State beer mugs and a sparkly shirt. Done and done.

The people who are the worst to buy gifts for are my parents, by far. They're exactly three days apart, so I'm always looking for gifts for them at the same time. And it's not they're difficult to buy for, but I just never know what to get either of them - my dad especially. So I'm always racking my brain to figure out something thoughtful, but get frustrated easily by how much I feel like I strike out at this.

I was talking to a new friend/colleague the other day and he was telling me that his birthday was a few days ago. I told him happy birthday, asked him what he got for his birthday, and was shocked when he told me "nothing."

He said he neither gives gifts nor receives them for birthdays in his family because he thinks it's weird that on a particular day every year you're required to give someone a gift. He said he'd much rather give a friend a gift because he saw something at a store he thought his friend would like, regardless of the time of year, and I shouldn't be surprised if I come into work one day to find a small gift from him on my desk.

After thinking about that for a bit, I realized how right that seems. I've been at a store before and have seen something that I thought would be perfect for someone, but thought, "but it's March and Christmas is so far away so there's no reason to buy this." That's ridiculous to think.

Therefore, in Lichtenstein, you are only obligated to get gifts for someone when you feel like it or when you see something they'd like. And that person is absolutely not obligated to get you a gift in return.

This way, there's no pressure to figure out the perfect gift under a deadline, and there's the possibility of getting a gift all year long!

Day 119: What Did Batman Say To Robin... About Lying Facedown and Asking Someone to Take Your Picture

Holy stiff as a board Batman!

Why is planking so dang popular?

Simple.

Because people are stupid.

And they're stupid because instead of trying to better themselves, volunteering for the community, or going out of their way to make life better for someone else, they're trying to find the best place to lie facedown and have someone take their picture.

For those of you who don't know about planking, first consider yourselves lucky. Planking is simply the act of lying facedown somewhere with your arms at your side and asking a friend to take your picture. That's it. And it's become an Internet sensation. Short-lived, no doubt, but still... really?

They could be learning another language, picking up an instrument, or pursuing a hobby they otherwise wouldn't have time for. They could be delivering the mail in a retirement home, walking dogs that haven't been adopted yet, or stocking hospital rooms. They could be baking a casserole for a new mom, a sick friend, or an elderly neighbor.

But instead they're lying on the ground in ridiculous places, like across the bathroom sink, in a parking lot, or on top of a car.

Really now.

Procrastination would be better, actually, because at least then you're putting off actually doing something hopefully productive instead of figuring out the most clever place to do a faceplant.

Day 118: Never Have I Ever... Appreciated Seeing Myself Through Their Eyes

I have been living in Illinois for just more than five months, and have known my colleagues just as long. I've hung out with a bunch of them outside of work for volleyball Thursdays, and have chilled with a select few at dinners, cards, and a puppet show.

So I've been able to get to know some of them personally and, in turn, they've been slowly getting to know me. And now more than ever - never have I ever appreciated getting to know myself through the perspective of other people.

I love saying something, like, "My absolute favorite TV show is House," and have one of them point out, "No it's not. Your favorite TV show is The Simpsons," which I inevitably have to agree with because I realize he's right.

Mike has pointed out that I say "Really!?" so often that it has become my catch phrase, and Brian has even formulated theories about me regarding how the brief periods where I didn't have a job has affected my life.

Whenever we approach a crossroad where there's traffic, I hear Mike yell something along the lines of, "Erika, for the love of God stop before you get hit!" because he knows I tend to take a few steps into the street before looking. And Heather will go with me anywhere because she knows I have a fear of getting lost and I don't know the city that well.

They don't know my past and only know me as I am today, so it's an  fascinating perspective - one I've always wished I could have: A way to see myself through other people's eyes.

Day 117: Shakespeare's High School Poetry... On Siezing The Day

I'm a dork. And I am well aware that I'm a dork, but I have never felt like one more than when I was watching the premier of New Girl with Zooey Deschanel.


I am her character. I have done that "doing sexy things with the pillow" dance virtually exactly how she did it - song and all. I have made up, and then sang, a theme song for myself... in front of people.

Holy crap, I'm a dork.

And I always have been, especially in high school. I was such a nerd in high school that instead of having inside jokes about crazy drunken parties, my friends and I had inside jokes about stuff we learned in our advanced English class.

One of our favorites was one that incorporated this week's theme: carpe diem, which means "sieze the day". Whenever someone would remark on our lounging or laziness (and imply that we should be practicing carpe diem), we'd reply sarcastically that we were "saving it for the worms." The phrase is a reference to Andrew Marvell's poem "To His Coy Mistress" and the unorthodox English teacher John Keating from Dead Poets Society.

Whether you're talking about a woman's virginity or the quality of your life, the message is the same: take advantage of today because you don't know how many more todays you have. And that's what a carpe diem poem is: a poem with a theme of living for today.


Cruising Past Chaos

Paperwork on my "To Do" pile
Has fluttered onto the off-white carpet
Riddled with dog hair.
The sink has belched the dishes
Onto the crumbs stuck to the countertop,
And the laundry basket
Is invisible under the drape of jeans and sweaters.
I trip over a wayward shoe
I had yanked off and underhanded against the wall
On the way to the living room after work
As I fight my way upstream toward the door.
Yet my hand hovers over the doorknob.
And my conscious forces me
To turn back to the chaos
Because I nearly forgot my sunglasses.
I'll need 'em for my cruise
In my new car
On the highway
At sunset
To nowhere.

Day 116: A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words... On Almost Totally Awesome

My first attempt at a comic.

It's kind of hard to read online so here's the text:

Patron: "Yes!! First in line with $75 cash!"

Ticket booth guy: "Sorry mate. The surcharge makes the ticket $76."

Patron: "But... I only have $75 cash on me!"

Ticket booth guy: "No problem, dude. Give me your $75 and I'll take care of it."

Patron: "Wow! Thanks! I've been dying to see this concert."

Ticket booth guy: "No worries. Oh, and the concert was yesterday."

Last week's cliche: Necessity is the Mother of Invention

Day 115: Stop. Focus. Click... On Saying Goodbye to the Security Deposit

Bad dog. BAD. DOG!

Well there goes the security deposit.

Day 114: Remember the Time... I Used Standard Office Supplies To Create a Cat Out of a Hoodie

My friend/colleague whose cube is directly across from mine has been seriously stressed out over the past two weeks. She's been working on fixing some of the bugs for a new product we're launching, and has needed to vent several times a day because whenever something gets fixed, seven new things break.

Today, she just kept saying over and over, "I need a cat. I seriously need something to cuddle, and I just want a cat to squeeze!"

She rebuffed all of my stress ball offers - even the ones that perfectly fit in your hand and the adorable animal ones - because "I can't cuddle with those like I could with a cat!"

Since finding and bringing her a real cat would have been actual work, plus I had a meeting to attend like five minutes later, I did what any caring colleague would do: I scrambled around my desk to figure out the closest thing I had to a cat, which of course, was a choice between a pencil holder or a plant.

I was just about to give up when I spotted my fuzzy hoodie and got a stroke of brilliance. Remember the time I made a cat out of a hoodie? I grabbed a few rubber bands to make a neck and ears, drew a cat face saying "meow" with a Post-it, and set my fuzzy creation on my colleague's extra chair for her. She turned in her chair, took one look at this abomination of a cat creation, and laughed straight until I went to my meeting.

When I got back, I saw that she had stuck a dead fish Post-it note on him; drew him some whiskers, cat food, and water; and told me that his name was Herman (which happens to be one of my favorite names in the entire world).

Thanks to my colleague for not thinking I'm a complete nutcase.

Day 113: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... Pain Wouldn't Register in our Brains

I hate stubbing my toe because it hurts like hell. But I also hate that one pain-free second before the shock of hurting myself travels all the way up my body and registers in my brain.

I've always wondered why doctors haven't figured out a way to just cut off the pain receptors in the brain for people who're suffering trauma or chronic pain. Why does the stubbing-toe pain have to be felt at all?

I know it's important to be able to feel pain sometimes - so you can get your appendix out before it bursts and kills you without your knowing that your body is being taken over by poison, for example - but really now. Why can't doctors just pinch a nerve or something until the majority of the pain passes to give some relief?

Well, in Lichtenstein, our futuristic doctors have figured out how to accomplish this comfortable phase for those who most need it - the ones with the serious pain. Because it just makes sense.

Day 112: What Did Batman Say To Robin... About Life's Best Snippets

Holy long-term relationship Batman!

After the big movie finale kiss at the end of a romantic comedy, what happens to the couple next?

The period after that final kiss is the beginning of the blissful honeymoon phase, which has been known to last for awhile. It's this phase where everything is new, it's hard to picture what your significant other looks like with clothes on, and you find all of his or her quirks simply adorable.

But of course, this can't last forever. Soon, you start taking the relationship for granted. You stop wearing the sexy lingerie to bed and wear the holey T-shirts. You start resenting the irritating way they laugh, eat, and breathe.

And everything just goes downhill because nothing in life quite compares to that movie finale kiss. It's a movie. It's not life. Life is hard. Life sucks sometimes.

If only life were a movie. Then it could always have a happy ending.

So what happens after that big movie finale kiss? Life.

Day 111: Never Have I Ever... Had a Beautiful Mind, But I Sure Can Appreciate It

I first saw the movie A Beautiful Mind in college, and remember not enjoying it very much. I had thought it was too long and now think I probably didn't fully understand it, as I certainly didn't appreciate its brilliance the first time I saw it.

I begrudgingly watched the movie this past weekend, but by the end was absolutely blown away. Never have I ever done a complete 180 with my opinion on a movie. Until now.

First of all, knowing the ending of the movie definitely helped me appreciate the interactions between John Nash and his college roommate, his roomie's niece, and Big Brother in the beginning and middle of the movie.

But, more importantly, I think it's because of what's happened to me in my life since I saw the movie the first time that caused it to strike me in the fashion that it did, especially when Nash said, "everybody's haunted by their past."

The fact that Nash can overcome the mental illness in his brain just by using it absolutely blasts mine. I can't wrap my feeble brain around the fact that he can choose to be on a "diet of the mind" and not indulge in certain appetites. I don't have a mental illness that I'm aware of, and I can't shut off my mind at will. I am supposed to have complete control of my mind, but know first hand how hard it is. He truly has a beautiful mind.

Day 110: Shakespeare's High School Poetry... Isn't it Ironic? Don't Ya Think?

I like quoting movies, TV shows, and songs, and one of my favorite songs to quote is Alanis Morissette's "Ironic."

When something ironic is mentioned, I'll often say something along the lines of, "Wow, isn't it ironic? It's like a 'No Smoking' sign on your cigarette break" or "it's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife."

I think it's because I just like the concept of irony. I like the fact that we have a term for this broad category of events that happen that are the reverse of what is expected. This can be anything from the Titanic - an unsinkable ship that sinks on its maiden voyage - or a line from "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" by Samuel Taylor Coleridge: "water, water every where, Nor any drop to drink," which is about a sailor surrounded by salt water he cannot consume.

An Irony poem, then, is one that involves some kind of discrepancy.

I wrote one of these in college, which I immediately thought of for this week. I want to try and find it and type it out here because I remember really liking it, even though it was quite innocent. It was about looking around my spotless, organized, just-cleaned room and not being able to find what I'm looking for.

And, ironically in and of itself, as I did not know the subject of this week's poem until today, I actually wrote a type of irony poem recently. It was one of those poems that I wrote when I was in the moment to get it out of my head, which I know is where my best work comes from, even though the majority of the time it's not good stuff that I need to get out.

Nevertheless, here's the type of Irony poem I wrote on the train on the way home from work one day when I couldn't shake the toxic thoughts that were poisoning my emotions:


Toxic Thoughts

My entire body is asleep
Except for my mind.
My mind is awake.
My mind is working.
My mind is wild.
It's uncomfrotable enough
When just an arm is asleep.
Or a foot.
A leg.
But when my sanity is asleep,
I can feel the sparks
As the blood is forced away
By a poison.
A toxicity that reaches the end of each finger,
The depth of each toe
Stopping just short of the delicate skin of my neck
So my mind is tormented
With nothing but the sensations
Of a seizure of insanity.
It's consumed with the toxic thoughts
Of being eaten alive by invisible fire ants
That I cannot brush off
Or run from.
I cannot escape the toxicity.
I can only feel it burn.
My mind controls my body
And my mind is slowly losing control.

Day 109: A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words... On Listening To Your Mother

Hasn't anyone ever told you to listen to your mother?

Last week's cliche: Two heads are better than one

Day 108: Stop. Focus. Click... On Where Should We Go To Dinner Tonight?

I've never had this conversation, but kind of wish I have...

"So... where should we go to dinner tonight?"

"Eh, I don't care. Feel like having a mean weiner?"

"Yeah, sure. A mean weiner sounds good."

Great restaurant name, guys. Well done.

Day 107: Remember the Time... I Was on Top of the World - Literally, Not Figuratively

OK, so maybe I wasn't on top of the entire world when I climbed to the peak of Mt. Elbert in Colorado when I was a teenager, but I was virtually on the top of the country.

Mt. Elbert (14,433 feet tall) is the second-tallest mountain in the continental United States behind Mt. Whitney in California (14,505 feet tall). And I climbed to the highest rock on the very top and just stood there surveying the scenery and breathing the (very little, yet very satisfying) mountain air before signing the book they have at the top for those who make it to the top.

It took me the better part of a day to climb to the top, but it was a huge accomplishment for me. I was lucky that it was a cloudy day, however, because I remember I had thought I was at the top four times before realizing I had much farther to climb. Had I seen how far I had yet to go, I feel like I would have felt quite despondent and may have even given up.

This is something I don't like about myself - that I have such lofty goals at times, yet give up too easily. But I'm not going to do it with this blog (I'm nearly a third of the way to writing a blog post a day for a year, and am determined to keep it up) and want to continue this trend with other, future projects and endeavors.

I am my biggest obstacle. All I have to do is not stand in my own way so I can figuratively be on top of the world with whatever I set out to accomplish in the future.

Day 106: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... You'll Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas... From the Day After Thanksgiving Until Valentine's Day

It's September. As in, it is the month before Halloween and two months before Thanksgiving. And as of this date, there are more than 100 days before Christmas.

Many years ago, I remember being miffed that there were Christmas decorations out in retail stores in November before Thanksgiving. Just a few years ago, I noticed that the retail Christmas season was inching closer to Halloween.

But I have never seen Christmas come so early. It must be an Illinois thing. I have no other explanation. I'm all for getting Christmas shopping done early, but this is ridiculous. It was just a few days into September when I passed an entire row of Christmas decorations at Costco, and the Hallmark store in my work building now has their Halloween items adjacent to the Christmas display they put up late last week.

Therefore, in Lichtenstein, there will be a law that Christmas will not come before Thanksgiving. This is for several reasons. First of all, how are we supposed to concentrate on our Halloween costume with all the glare coming from the sparkly Christmas decorations? (BTW: Five friends and I have an EPIC group Halloween costume idea, and we plan to enter a Halloween contest. More on that next month - the month that the actual holiday occurs.)

Second of all, it's nearly impossible to look forward to sitting down to an amazing meal with family when you're distracted with what in the heck are you going to buy your dad for Christmas?

With thoughts about Christmas on the back burner until after Thanksgiving, we'll be free to concentrate on enjoying the beginning of fall and those two fantastic holidays.

Besides, in Lichtenstein, Christmas will officially last until Valentine's Day. (Come on - when Christmas is over you have New Year's Eve a week later, and then nothing except cold and snow until the middle of February. Christmas music and lights need to last through that bleak time period.)

I love being able to make the rules. How awesome is winter going to be in Lichtenstein? OK, maybe not awesome because of the cold, but at least much, much more bearable.

Have yourself a Merry little Christmas... from the day after Thanksgiving until Valentine's Day. You're welcome.

Day 105: What Did Batman Say to Robin... About Four Eccentric Personalities All Rolled Into One

Holy identity crisis Batman!

With all of these stories about how actors research their characters for months and embody them as they're preparing for a role, I sometimes wonder why none of them seem to have any problems with identity crisis.

And this made me wonder: What would happen if Johnny Depp woke up one morning with a crazy sense of identity crisis or some type of amnesia where he thought his actual identity was that of some of the characters he's played in movies?

Johnny Depp wakes up, blinks, and rolls over to look at the alarm clock.

"Good morning and a happy unbirthday to me! I'd better hop out of bed or I'll be late for my very important date," he says.

He pads into the bathroom and starts humming a tune and muttering phrases like "oompety do" and "I've got another puzzle for you."

After teasing his locks so they stand on end, he chooses an outfit that contains every color of the rainbow and tops it off with a bright top hat.

After he finishes downing a glass of chocolate milk, he and heads to the beauty salon while thinking about just how he's going to fit in all of his bored housewife clients. On his way, he sees a hedge that's in desperate need of trimming and feels the urge to snip it in the shape of a circus bear balancing atop a ball.

As he's making the last snip, he glances down at the shears he's holding and wishes they were just a little longer and he had a sparring partner to do some sword fighting. Instead, he decides to forego shaving just his chin for about three years and rarely bathe.

After a long day of eating nothing but chocolate and candy, Johnny decides it's time for bed. So he has a nighttime cup of tea with a drunk mouse because someone else decided to drink all his rum.

Day 104: Never Have I Ever... Written an Essay Outside of School

I'm a writer. It's what I do. I often exceeded the word/page minimum requirement in high school and was no stranger to writing papers for every class in college after declaring my English major. And even after college, I had to write essays to get into a summer publishing program.

Since then, however, I haven't had to write an essay. And I still don't, but just finished one. And it wasn't because I had to, but because I wanted to. Never have I ever written an essay outside of college to submit to an essay contest.

I was reading Real Simple magazine and came across an essay contest titled "When did you first understand the meaning of love?"

Light bulb.

That sentence immediately made me think of something from my childhood that was just too good of a story to not have it written down. So I wrote it down (with invented dialogue and embellishments, although it's based on a true story) and submitted it, then sent a copy to my inspiration: my parents.

My mom shocked me when she said she vaguely remembered this mostly because I remember it so vividly. My story is based on the time that my dad borrowed our neighbor's phone to call my mom and ask her on a date, and then rang the doorbell to "pick her up" for the date a few days later. It's strange what touches you and then stays with you to help shape the person you become, but my parents have done this many times over.

Although I have no expectations of winning, as I know they get thousands of submissions, it was more for me to relive that memory and write it down for my parents, who told me this year as they celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary that they've never been so much in love.

Day 103: Shakespeare's High School Poetry... On Never Forgetting

The cinquain poem (pronounced "cin-kain") is based on the Japanese haiku. It too is a five-line poem, but has a specific structure.

Line 1 is one word (the title)
Line 2 is two words that describe the title
Line 3 is three words that tell the action
Line 4 is four words that express the feeling
Line 5 is one word that recalls the title

With today being the 10th anniversary of 9/11, I felt it was most appropriate to write about that day. When it happened, I was between classes at The University of Toledo and didn't end up going to any more classes that day, as they were all canceled. Instead I went to a sports bar so I could watch the story unfold from the dozens of TVs in silence with friends.


We Will Never Forget

9/11
Hell Day
Killing, terrifying, rescuing
We stand against terrorism.
Indivisible

Day 102: A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words... On Not Having To Clean Up After Your Dog Ever Again

Bart Simpson summed up this cliche perfectly when Santa's Little Helper and Snowball II tumbled into the matter transporter and merged - one pet had two heads and the other had two butts. For the pet with two heads(which illustrates this week's cliche) he said, "Twice the pet, and none of the mess!" For the other pet, he said "Eww. You can be Lisa's."

Last week's cliche: All Bent Outta Shape.

Day 101: Stop. Focus. Click... On a Pain-Free Root Canal

I don't hate the dentist, but I certainly don't enjoy going to those appointments. But at least one with a sense of humor would make the experience a bit more enjoyable. I'm signing up for this one for the sole reason that this dentist has this sign in bright neon purple in the front window (and because I've heard good things, of course!).

Day 100: Remember the Time... I Don't Know the Difference Between a Piercing and a Door Handle?

To break up the work day, two colleagues and I will often e-mail each other random things we come across that we find interesting through our work or otherwise. Being in editorial, Brian is the one who usually starts off the conversations, as he's the one researching new articles we're going to publish at our encyclopedia company. He once was trying to find out information about the Giant Beaver (an actual animal) and learned the hard way that people Googling "giant beaver" are not actually looking for information on the actual animal.

Here's one of our exchanges in which I would feel ridiculously embarrassed had my colleagues been completely unaware of my, well, being me.

Brian: I did some work on the Mullet [fish] article today and came across this photo. First, I have to figure out a way to justify using this as the photo for the article, even though it is entirely irrelevant. Next, I must become this man and live as he does.

Me: What do you mean it's irrelevant!?!? Wasn't the hairstyle named after the fish or vice versa???? Come on Johnson - you can think of SOMETHING to correlate the two!

And I think your first step toward becoming this guy is to get a matching piercing.

Brian: I see no piercing.

Me: How can you not see his piercing?

Mike: Brian, I think a frontal assault is the way to go. “Mullet fish is a man who lives in the Ozark mountains and drives a red pickup truck. He wears his hair in a mullet style, has several rings, and likes to go around shirtless.”

Yeah, where is this piercing?

Brian: Well, if nothing else, we’ve confirmed that Erika hallucinates piercings. I hereby diagnose her with acute latent belonemania. OK how about this:

“Mullet fish is a man who lives in the Ozark mountains and drives a red pickup truck. He wears his hair in a mullet style, has several rings and likes to go around shirtless. He has an on-again off–again girlfriend named Charlene. His hobbies include shootin’ and cooking methamphetamine. The name mullet fish is sometimes used to refer to a family of ocean fish. But these fish have little value, because they cannot grow hair or shotgun a six-pack of Rebel Yell beer in less than 60 seconds.”

Me: I amended your description to be more accurate as such:

“Mullet fish is a man who lives in the Ozark mountains and drives a red pickup truck. He wears his hair in a mullet style, has several rings - including one in his left nipple - and likes to go around shirtless... etc.

Brian: Sadly, this response only confirms my diagnosis of acute latent belonemania. What you see as a piercing is clearly the door handle of the truck peeking out from Billy Bob’s armpit. I can only urge you to get help, before you begin to see piercings on octogenarians and members of the clergy.

Mike: Yeah, definitely NOT a piercing. Negative [cool] points for Meller.

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I seriously saw a piercing. Wait - Shouldn't I get points for actually seriously mistaking a truck's door handle for a piercing!?!?

Mike: Even more negative points for trying to spin negative points into positive ones. See, this is how you wind up with around –387 points.

Me: BTW: What exactly is acute latent belonemania? [Having actually Googled it only to realize it was something that Brian made up.]

Brian: Belonemania is excessive interest in or arousal by needles or piercings. In your case, it is latent because you have not yet suffered the psychotic break to which all belonemaniacs succumb in the end. It is acute because you are obviously on the verge of decompensation.

Me: I’m going to pretend I know what all of those words mean and just enjoy this eye-candy photo of Cletus Billy Bob in all of his hillbilly glory.

Mike: That’s not glory. That’s a piercing.

Day 99: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... You'd Have To Wait in Even Longer Lines for Public Restrooms, but it'd be Worth it.

I had to pee right near the end of the workday today, but didn't want to miss the 6:01 train which, I've learned from experience, leaves right on time. So I skipped the bathroom at work to make sure I got to the train station on time. And while I hopped on the train with about 60 seconds of time to spare, it would have been uncomfortable to ride with a full bladder.

So I used the bathroom on the train. From the second I opened the door and was assaulted with the smell, I knew even hover peeing was going to be disgusting. People are gross when it comes to using public restrooms anywhere.


The Charmin public restrooms in Times Square.



Therefore, when I'm in charge, I'll be taking a page from the Charmin company's winter display in Times Square. In Lichtenstein, every single public toilet is going to self clean itself after every single use.


First, the Charmin company. Each winter, they set up a public restroom wonderland. At this giant building of public restrooms, employees are singing and dancing original toilet-paper-themed songs, you can get your picture taken on the Charmin sled, and buy T-shirts. But, most importantly, each and every toilet is cleaned after EVERY USE. And everyone is able to choose which type of toilet paper they preferred - ultra strong or ultra soft - depending on their needs.

This is the way it will be in Lichtenstein. Using the restroom is a necessity! And having the toilet cleaned after every use is something so simple, yet would make the hustle and bustle of life so much more pleasant.  In Lichtenstein, having to pee will actually be a good experience. No one will ever again have to deal with disgusting when nature calls.

Day 98: What Did Batman Say to Robin... About the Battle of the Bloodsuckers

Holy Battle of the Bloodsuckers Batman!

 What would happen if the most popular vampires of all time were put into an arena and forced to fight to the death Hunger Games style? The vampires include Nosferatu, Bram Stoker's Dracula, Blade, and the Cullen family of vampires from Twilight, among others.

 To be honest, I don't know which vampire would end up as the ultimate bloodsucker. Even though they are all of the same species, they all have a different set of "rules" that they live by. While all live off blood, some need human blood while others can suffice with animal blood. Some are repelled by garlic, some can go out in the daylight, and some sleep in coffins. Still some can be killed with a wooden stake through the heart while others need to be ripped apart and burned. Some can even be around bleeding humans and control their urges.

There would just be too much confusion in the arena for it to be a really fair fight. You'd have to remember which ones you'd want to try and lure out into the sunlight and which ones you'd want to chase with garlic. If anything there would probably be some amusing blunders, such as one vampire chasing another into the sunlight expecting them to suffer when they'd actually just shine like a jewel.

Therefore, the winner would most likely be someone unexpected, like a 17-year-old vampire named Kathiss Everlast who wears her hair in a long braid, knows how to hunt and set traps, and is deadly with a bow and (wooden) arrow.

Day 97: Never Have I Ever... Gone To Work In Dr. Suess' Willy Wonka Wonderland

The bleak gray elevator doors slid open and my eyes were literally assaulted with every shade of every color of the rainbow. It was like I had been living in a cave for years and suddenly walked out into the bright sunlight as I stepped out of the elevator at Catalyst Ranch in downtown Chicago.

I'm not sure what I expected when I showed up at this off site meeting place billed as "whimsically designed," but I certainly didn't expect what I saw when I got there. Never have I ever went to work in Willy Wonka's Wonderland after it had been taken over by Dr. Suess. This meeting space was absolutely colorific and toytacular (yes, to describe this space, I had to invent words. It was that awesome.)

Nothing in this space matched or really made sense. There were open umbrellas near a full hat stand. Every single wall was painted a different bright color or covered with a bright tapestry, and every tabletop held up something, whether it was a multicolored tablecloth with mismatched plates or toys and markers. No coffee cup matched another one, and it was hard to concentrate on anything because my eyes kept darting to the tables surrounded by all kinds of chairs, the pillows of all shapes and sizes piled atop and around the bright couches and lining the hammock in the corner.

I was at this off site meeting for a day-long brainstorming session because I've been recently appointed to a team to come up with new ideas for products my company should develop for consumers. The consultants we hired wanted us to meet in this particular space because it's supposed to foster creativity, and I found that it did just that. As the team and I were sitting in a circle each on a different type of chair, I found myself coming up with ideas from the most random places, including a toy I found on one of the tables and what we had for lunch.

The potential inspiration was even in the restrooms. The stalls were covered with magnetic words for people to form sentences, there were pictures and photos taped to the walls, and ornaments hanging from the handles.

As the brainstorming session came to a close and we all massaged our temples to alleviate the dull headaches that had inevitably formed after using the full extent of our brains for a too-long period, I felt completely exhausted, yet satisfyingly productive. I know there were some amazing ideas in this session that I seriously can't wait to see grow and come to fruition because I love being on the ground floor with major projects.

And for that reason and my more, I maintain that all meetings should be held in Dr. Suess' Willy Wonka Wonderland. How much fun would that be?

Day 96: Shakespeare's High School Poetry...

A senryu is a three-line Japanese poem that's similar to a haiku. Like a haiku, it's unrhymed and based on human nature. Lines one and three are five syllables, and the second line is seven syllables. However, a senryu is usually satirical or ironic.


Baby It's Cold... Err Actually Kinda Hot... Outside

Summer rays beam down
As I search through my dresser
For my fuzzy socks.

Day 95: A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words... On Tough Days

Life can be tough at times...

Last week's cliche: Too many chiefs, not enough indians.

Day 94: Stop. Focus. Click... On Ridiculousness, Part II

Welcome to a second edition of "Ridiculous," which is my place to vent about the ridiculousness of this world. (Read about the first Ridiculous here.)

It's Sept. 2. As in nearly four MONTHS until Christmas, and they have the Christmas decorations out. R

SEPT-ember. Ridiculous.

Riding the train at night never ceases to be entertaining. However, at times it's just irritating. Like this guy who was sprawled out on this girl's lap for nearly a half an hour with his legs resting on the railing while she squeezed and popped stuff out of his face.

They were sitting next to this guy who was lying down with his legs stretched out into the luggage portion of the second floor of the train, snoring. Ugh, disgusting and obnoxious. Yet another reason to catch something other than the last train to the suburbs out of the city. Ridiculous.

Day 93: Remember the Time... I Sunbathed Topless Incorrectly

Remember the time that I apparently didn't sunbathe correctly on a topless beach?

I know - how can you do this wrong? You just take your top off and lay out in the sun, right? I guess you could do it incorrectly if you took off your bottoms because you thought it was a bottomless beach instead of a topless beach, but it looks like I did it right, doesn't it?

But no, apparently I didn't sunbathe as the native Europeans do when I was on this beach in Nice, France, according to Brent.

What I did was put down my towel, sat on it, took off my top, put on sunscreen, and then relaxed with my magazine.

What I was supposed to do - according to Brent, who spent hours watching topless European women on the beach, so I guess he would know - was act somewhat modest and take off my top while lying on my stomach. Then, after 15 minutes, I was supposed to nonchalantly roll over to get some sun on the girls.

 

But hey, I was in France on vacation, and I'm sure no one noticed. And if they did, I'm sure they appreciated the fact that I didn't worry about modesty. That or roll their eyes and say something along the lines of, "Ugh. Stupid American tourist."