Day 290: Stop. Focus. Click... On Life's Little Pleasures

One word: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. (Yes, those are rose petals! Never tried that before, but my skin came out soft and nice-smelling!)

Day 288: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... It Would Be 5 O'Clock Everywhere

"No, mom, you can call me then because it'll only be 10 o'clock here... Yes, I know you always forget..."

I hate daylight savings time almost as much as I hate different time zones. Sure, now that we've set the clocks ahead, we're not going to work in the dark and coming home after it gets dark again, but it never fails that just when my internal clock gets used to getting up at 6:50 a.m. every morning, the time changes so it's like I'm forcing my body to get up at 5:50 a.m. because of course I can't fall asleep earlier than my usual bedtime.

But the central time zone brings with it many more headaches, mostly because everyone I talk to over the phone is in a different time zone. All my friends and family not to mention everyone I deal with at my second job are in the eastern time zone, and I work at a company that has international customers, so I'm constantly having to calculate out the different time zones so I can figure out when to call people based on when to best get ahold of them. 

In Lichtenstein, the country is small enough that everyone would be in the same time zone. And as of right now, I'd move the clocks back a half an hour and leave it there for good. When it's 5 o'clock in Lichtenstein, it's 5 o'clock everywhere. See you for happy hour food specials.

Day 283: Stop. Focus. Click... On Ridiculousness, Part III

It's time for a third season of "Ridiculous," which is my place to vent about the ridiculousness of this world. (Read about the first Ridiculous and the second Ridiculous.)

This "bike" - one without a seat, tires, chain, or handlebars - was chained to a fence with a bike chain. Normally, a bike chain is used to secure a bike so it's not stolen. My question is, "Who would want to go through the trouble of stealing this?"

There are limited seats on the train going from downtown Chicago to the suburbs, and nothing infuriates me more than these horribly rude people who take up two seats so they can sleep more comfortably. While I have no issues asking them to move if it's the only seat available, and I want to sit down for the 45-minute ride, I see others stand so as not to disturb them.

One of my biggest pet peeves is people taking up more room than is needed, and just being an ass about it. Yes, I'm talking about you, Porsche owner who takes up the two spots nearest the store so no one parks too close to you. The same thing goes for you, red truck owner. You own a truck, and it's a large vehicle. But it's not so large as to take up FOUR (yes, four) parking spaces. Or even two.

Day 281: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... Eat When You're Hungry and Sleep When You're Tired

When I was in collage, I had a friend who said he wished he could do just three things whenever he wanted: "eat, sleep, and screw."

While they are all arguably basic needs - without reproduction, the human race would die out - I have to say that if I had to pick two I would go with the two that have to do with the very basic human needs: eat and sleep.


I am most grumpy when I'm tired, and fairly unpleasant to be around when I'm hungry. It's because I'm uncomfortable when I'm either.


Therefore, if I ruled Lichtenstein, I would ensure these two needs are satisfied as best as I can. If workers need a siesta in the middle of the day, they'd be allowed to sleep if they wanted to make up the hours later in the day. If they were hungry, they could help themselves to the healthy snacks that employers would be required to provide their employees at all times. And meetings during the lunch hour will strictly be banned, with the exception being only a meeting where the employer agrees to buy lunch.


Productivity would be up, and workers would be happier. And all it would take is allowing them to get enough shut-eye along with snacks.

Day 279: Never Have I Ever... Learned The Proper Technique To Break Someone's Arm Two Different Ways

"Is it weird that I've had the song 'Kung Fu Fighting' in my head all day?" I asked my colleague when we were on our way to Song's Kung Fu Academy so I could try out martial arts for the first time.

"No, that's the ringtone I have set for the people in class," my friend laughed.

Even though I felt like I had the basics regarding what to expect -- bow after I walk in the front door, immediately take off my shoes, stand in the back by the door, call everyone wearing a black belt, 'sir' -- nothing my friend could have told me would have prepared me for the 90-minutes of floundering I did in that class.

My friend did tell me that he wasn't able to let me know ahead of time what to expect because every day in this class is different. What he failed to tell me was that this is an advanced martial arts class. Half of the class, including my friend, were wearing black belts.

This explains why we were taking turns doing roundhouse kicks - you know, where you do a 360 spin in the air and kick at a target at the end - within the first five minutes.

You're kidding me, I thought, as I was watching the rest of the class dive over a pole into a somersault on a mat, including my friend, who amazed me throughout the class with his martial arts skills.

"Yeah I'm just going to crawl underneath it," I said to the instructor, who stopped me the next time it was my turn and told me to do the exercise correctly, but slow by just doing a kind of standing somersault.

After the crazy cardio exercises, we lined up in two lines, one in front of the other. The front line, which consisted of the most advanced students, then faced the back line so we could practice some moves and tweak our technique.

The guy in front of me who I just noticed at this point then became my partner. He was so nice and patient in teaching me the difficult techniques that it was hard not to immediately like the kid. And it wasn't until he kept reminding me to look at his face when I was throwing punches that I realized just how attractive he was.

"But I don't want to punch you in the face," I told him, as I was directing my punches just to the right of his head. I am not going to be the one to mess up that gorgeous face. Those dimples are really adorable, I thought.

And it just got worse from there, as I felt more and more distracted by this guy's charm, even though the moves we were doing were complicated, and we were practicing them up to the point where one of us had to tap the other to signal that it hurt too much.

"No, don't do that. You don't want me behind you," he said when I tried twisting out of a move with my back to him.

Oh I don't know about that, I thought. Ack, get your head out of the gutter. But the thoughts only got worse from there.

"Try this. Take my arm and pull it into your chest," he said, trying to teach me one of the two ways we learned to break someone's arm.

Babe you don't have to tell me twice... Ugh! Erika! Concentrate... No, not on those dimples! On the technique. "OK, like this?" I asked him, trying my hardest to pull his arm toward me while figuring out how to wrap my other arm around it and, after placing three fingers reminiscent of a mantis on his forearm, simulate bending it unnaturally so it'd break.

"There you go! Let's do it again," he replied.

And even though I felt like I barely treaded water and my thighs were screaming at me from sweeps (where you drop to the floor and sweep your leg out in front of you with the goal to knock your opponent to the ground), the sifu teaching the class told me "good job for keeping up," at the end of the class.

"So are you going to sign up for a class?" my friend asked as I was inhaling Mediterranean food from the restaurant across from the school. 

"Uh," I said, thinking about how uncomfortable I felt trying to keep up with those who are masters of this art. "I think maybe I'll try a beginner's class next time."

Day 276: Stop. Focus. Click... On First Friday

After a long stressful week, it's great to unwind with fantastic art at First Fridays at the Museum of Contemporary Art, appetizers prepared by Wolfgang Puck, and the girls mustache-ing while decked out in our crimped hair and ballerina tutu's for '80s night.

Day 275: Remember the Time... 'Erika' Sounded So Pretty

"Mommy, how do you say my name?" I remember asking my mom when I was a kid. "Is it 'AIR-KAH' or 'AIR-IH-KAH'?"

"It's however you want people to say it," I remember her saying.

I want only people with heavy accents to say my name.

When I was in the Dominican Republic, people who could speak very little English usually at least had the ability to ask, "What is your name?"

And after I'd tell them, "My name is 'AIR-IH-KAH'," they'd always reply, "EH-REE-KAH'" with the tongue roll. I know hearing your own name is music to a person's ears in general, but I just loved hearing their accent come out when they said my name.

Would it be weird to adopt an accent just when I tell a person my name?

Day 274: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... Customer Service Would Be At Your Service

I'm already not pleased when I have to call apartment building managers, the doctor's office, or virtually any customer service known to man. So why do they always make it so much tougher for me to keep my sanity on hold by forcing me to listen to horrible, repetitive, tinny music?

This was all too reinforced when I had to call the IRS the other day - yes, I had to call the IRS in March - and was on hold for 38 minutes. THIRTY-EIGHT MINUTES of grinding, looping, horrific "hold" music before I got a very cheery woman with a southern accent asking me how "I can help y'all out."


In Lichtenstein, every customer service center will always be overstaffed. That way holds, and, naturally hold music, will be eliminated. I can't even in good conscious want to improve hold music because all I'd be doing is making a bad problem just a little bit better. I'm here to solve problems.

Of course there will be downtime, but that downtime will be well spent on solving the problems that cause people to call customer service in the first place, whether that is making language a bit clearer or figuring out how to make less inferior products so they don't break, causing people to call customer service.

Day 273: What Did Batman Say To Robin... About Brainwaves

Holy going against the grain Batman!

What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

This one's easy. Think. I think differently than most people. Or at least this is something I have to believe.

For starters, I have a line from a song playing in my head at all hours of the day. It could be the song from a commercial (damn you catchy mattress and cat food jingles) a song I hear on the radio, or one I recognize that someone is humming near me (right now I have "Thriller" by Michael Jackson playing on a continuous loop). 

Second, I am not always in control of my brain. It runs away from me and sometimes leads me to dark places without my consent. You'd think that your brain is in your head, so you should be able to control it, right? Not always for me.

And third I feel like I bounce from idea to idea and thought to thought and emotion to emotion faster and more forcefully than most people. This is a strength in brainstorming situations, for example, but a hindrance when I have to focus on a single task or need to remember just one thing (which I can easily forget because my mind will wander elsewhere).

So my mind works differently than most people's.But it's me. And that's OK.

Day 271: Shakespeare's High School Poetry... On The Big Screen

Naani means an expression of one and all. The poem type consists of 4 lines of 20 to 25 syllables, but is not bound to a particular subject. Generally it depends upon human relations and current statements.

Films

Living vicariously

Through on-screen characters

Takes the monotony

Away from my life.

Day 270: A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words... On Unpleasant Surprises

Bet he didn't expect opening this from a friend who he thought had wanted to bury the hatchet.

Last week's cliche: He bought it hook, line, and sinker

Day 269: Stop. Focus. Click... On Please Play With Your Food

Carved fruit always gave our buffet meals an extra festive touch in the Dominican Republic.

 

Day 268: Remember the Time... Encyclopedias Were Sold Door To Door

I love talking to people. It's one of the reasons I was a good journalist. I had no problems going up to anyone, anywhere, even if it was a man wearing filthy overalls at a gas station because I was interested in why he had so much scrap metal in his truck bed for a story I was working on.

On my recent business trip, I had an opportunity to talk to two members of our sales force - one of whom had been with my company since 1974. That's right - for eight years before I was even born.

The stories these two women told were fascinating. They had, after all, been with the company since the sales force were charged with selling encyclopedia sets at county fairs and door to door. They took me back to a time when my company was "a book company" with just five products that would never have CDs.

One of the sales reps couldn't afford a set, but was told that if she sold three sets to three other people, she could give up her commission and instead receive a set of encyclopedias. She thought that would be easy, and for her at that time it was. She stuck with the company after those initial sales.

 

I learned that the dreaded response was from stay-at-home moms saying, "I'll have to talk to my husband," and that before e-mail, the stack of faxes the reps would receive would sometimes topple over because they were so high.

When the Internet exploded, these ladies said they were terrified as to what it would do to the business. They had be cracking up when the told the story that it took four ladies several hours in a hotel room to figure out how to connect to the Internet, even though one of the women had brought her phone from home. And the reason they weren't successful was that they had forgotten to plug in the Internet cable.

In some ways it sounded like a much simpler time and in others it seemed more difficult. Either way, it was fascinating.

Day 267: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... Screwing Over A Friend Means Jail Time

My neighboring cubemate at work is a crazed Chicago Blackhawks fan, as evidenced by her Blackhawks screensaver, calendar, and headband she keeps in her cube at work.

So when I heard that my hockey team - the Detroit Redwings - was coming to Chicago to battle the Hawks, I suggested we get tickets. A few other colleagues wanted to come along, so I (stupidly) decided to put the cost of all the tickets on my credit card and have everyone pay me for them individually

This was not an issue for one of my colleagues, who paid me right away. It became a bit of an issue when one of my friends had to back out a few days before the game, but thankfully we were able to find another colleague who wanted to come along.

But it really became an issue when, while I was en route back to Chicago from my business trip, that my cubemate texted me to tell me that one of our colleagues couldn't go to the game. And he told her of this fact hours before the game (even though we had asked him several times to make sure he still wanted to go). Without paying me for his ticket. Leaving me having to scramble for someone who was not only free for the night, but who also wanted to trek downtown and pay $87 for a hockey game.

Luckily my cubemate was able to put a sense of urgency in the matter and find someone free for what turned out to be a hilarious and fun evening - starting with a limo ride to a pizza parlor, Eduardo's, where my very drunk colleague waltzed in the door with an open beer demanding to be served by Eduardo himself - and ending with me literally babysitting said colleague and putting him on his train only to see him wandering off from my train's window. In between was a close hockey game that saw my Wings lose by just one goal.

However, in Lichtenstein, it is going to be against the law to screw over a friend like that. The law would see to it that that friend paid for his ticket and then was out that ticket or that money if he couldn't find a replacement because he was at fault for not being able to make the game.

This kind of thing should be simple courtesy, but when that fails, in LIchtenstein the law takes over.

Day 266: What Did Batman Say To Robin... About Morphing Into A Car To Help A Brother Out

Holy uncomfortable situation Batman!

In this old cartoon, Turbo Teen, a teenager had the ability to literally transform into a sports car. If you were a car and agreed to have you friend use you as a car on his date, what would your next move be when your friend and his date got hot and heavy and started having sex on you?

This question obviously depends on how hot the chick is. If she's one of those barely legal chicks with a too-good-to-be-true bangin' body, then I say I'd remain as a car and enjoy the show. Sure, it might be uncomfortable to essentially be the bed in this threesome, but there would be plenty of  opportunities to innocuously cop a feel.

But if it were some chick my buddy just picked up because he was looking to get some, I'd probably stop the sesh before it gets started by morphing back into a person and start yelling about what a perv my friend is. It'd be a total cock block move, but better than having some hot, sweaty ugly chick rubbing up all on me.

Day 263: A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words... On Flipping Some Cash

Flipper's come out to do some damage.

 
Last week's cliche: It's a small, small world

Day 262: Stop. Focus. Click... On Doing Nothing

As I'm nearing the end of my Dominican Republic vacation, I'm realizing that there's just so much "nothing" I can do before I go stir crazy. I have determined that five days is enough, but seven is too many. It's still beautiful here, though.

 

Day 260: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... First-Come, First Serve Basis Would Rule

We woke up relatively early this morning, considering we were on vacation, and were looking forward to laying by the pool all morning and afternoon.

So we headed out to the long pool that winds its way along the length of the resort. We passed dozens and dozens of lawn chairs - some of which had a hat or a book on them. The rest of them had the ubiquitous white towels from the resort on them to "reserve" them.

So there I was standing in the middle of a sea of empty blue lawn chairs - each with a white towel on them, and several with one towel draped across several chairs - feeling frustrated that no one was occupying the chairs, yet I felt like I couldn't take over any of them because they were "reserved."

What was more frustrating was that once I scrounged up two together by dragging one from the pool and another that was not reserved because it was slightly broken, I sat there for hours near "reserved" chairs that no one came to claim while people who were ready to sit out by the pool circled like vultures waiting for people to leave.

I have come to realize that I cannot tolerate what I consider unfairness. It was unfair of people to reserve chairs for hours while they lallygagged around in bed while others wanted to use them, but didn't want to be rude.

In Lichtenstein, everything is on a first-come, first-serve basis. The first people to the pool are the ones who get the lawn chairs. The first people to the concert get the front row, etc. If you truly cared about something, you'd be one of the first to get there and would stay there.

Day 259: What Did Batman Say to Robin... About Blind Love

Holy philosophical feelings about love, Batman!

If love is blind, then how can we believe in love at first sight?

Some may believe in love at first sight, but I absolutely do not. I believe in mutual attraction, but you simply cannot romantically love someone the first time you see them.

Love is built on a foundation of trust, and the bricks and mortar include mutual respect, honesty, and compromise among many, many others.

When you first meet someone, you could be instantly attracted to them because of the way they look or their mannerisms, but you don't know anything deeper than that. You don't know whether he'll be there for you when your grandmother has passed away or whether she'll stick by you through a major surgery.

The only way you can find this out is by spending time together and building a relationship.

That being said, I do believe that love is blind. Love looks past age, race, gender, wealth, etc., because you can't help who you fall in love with. Sometimes it's someone you've known your entire life, and sometimes it's someone who is absolutely not your type, yet you've spent time with that person and you end up falling in love.

So yes, love is blind, and those who believe in love at first sight have also probably seen leprechauns and unicorns.

Day 258: Never Have I Ever... Felt Stressed Around Palm Trees

Whenever I see palm trees, I know I'm on vacation. They're a symbol of relaxation and fun for me.

These are the palm trees I snapped on one of the first days in the (sometimes very windy) Dominican Republican.

Never have I ever been to the Dominican Republic. My first impression of the country was at the airport - which was essentially a bamboo hut with large fans attempting to act as air conditioners as the masses of people waited in line after line for tourist passes and to get through security and customs.

After that headache, we piled into a van to get to the resort. On the way we passed rusty lean-tos, wooden shacks, and places with debris piled up everywhere where people were hanging out on plastic lawn chairs. And then we passed a group of maids walking up the long road to the five-star resort we were staying at for a week.

The resort was stunning, but such a stark contrast to the rest of the country. It was easy to forget about the poverty outside the gates of the resort with all the beauty inside, but it just didn't change the fact that it was still there. While I felt horrible when I thought about it, it also reminded me to feel grateful for what I do have. I am blessed, and I can't forget that.

Day 256: A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words... On The Universe

It blows my mind sometimes to think about just how miniscule we are in the grand scheme of things.

Last week's cliche: The grass is always greener on the other side

Day 255: Stop. Focus. Click... On My Punkers

Glad you're feeling better punkin'.

Day 253: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... I'm Not Paying For Five Inches

I hate going to and being at several places: the pharmacy, the post office, the doctor's office, and the airport. Even more than I hate being at the airport, however, is having to deal with all the airport-y formalities, like waiting in line after line, dealing with delays and cancellations, hauling around heavy luggage, baggage fees, layovers, taking off my shoes for security, and all the nickel-and-dimeing that goes on with every step of the process.

They now charge you if you want to choose your seats at the self check-in kiosks. And I'm not even talking about first class or the emergency exit rows. Every time I tried to change my seat to anywhere else on the plane, it wanted to charge me $12, $19, or $21. This is of course before all the luggage fees.

And then when I was sitting waiting to board the plane, I saw that I could pay to upgrade my seat to have "five extra inches of laptop space."Five inches? That's the length of a pencil, and this is what you're touting?

Baloney.

In Lichtenstein, the price you pay online for your airline ticket is the price you will pay to get to where you want to go. There will be no extra charges for luggage, and seating will be on a first-come, first-serve basis.

Also, our planes will be extra long with a single aisle and two seats on each side with enough room in front of you to sit comfortably. Plus this way, the middle seat will be eliminated.

Those who are flying internationally will get the "bed planes". Having to sit in a cramped seat for hours is unacceptable. Those who are going over oceans or entire continents will be "seated" in one of the rows and rows of chairs that recline into a beds. Each will have its own TV filled with movies to watch, so flying these distances will not only be tolerable, but comfortable.

Flying to Lichtenstein is the way flying should be.

Day 252: What Did Batman Say to Robin... About The Future

Holy Chinese "in bed" deliciousness!

Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?

The answer to this question has to be a resounding "no."First of all, there are no expiration dates on the fortunes. Secondly, I know a lot of people - myself included - who save the good ones for inspiration. I usually tape them to the front of my yearly planner, but I've seen people tape them to their headboards or cubes at work.

They're usually great inspiration for when I write or plan for the future, which is why I keep them near my calendar.

Besides, who wants to think that, "You will one day be great" has an expiration date?

Day 251: Remember the Time... Men Would Be Horrible Party Planners

When I plan parties, I cover all my bases. I clean, put together a music playlist, plan the menu, and usually spend the day cooking said menu. 

Before guests arrive, I light candles, make sure there are enough seats for everyone to sit comfortably arranged in a conversation semi-circle, and put the finishing touches on my carefully planned outfit.

I was telling some colleagues about the plans I have for an upcoming party I'm planning soon, and found out that one of my male colleagues was having a party that same night.

So I of course asked him if he'd already made food ahead of time. He gave me a strange look and said that each of his friends bring enough beer for themselves and enough cash to pay the pizza delivery person.

So then I asked him if he at least cleaned his place. His response?

"Dude, I just have to make sure I get home in time to flush the toilet before they get there."

Ugh. Men.

Day 249: A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words... On Perspective

No one but me is allowed to read my journal, but since this is something I doodled one day when I happened to have a black and green pen on me, I thought it'd be OK to photocopy it for this week's cliche.

Last week's cliche: No news is good news

Day 248: Stop. Focus. Click... On Frankenpup

Chloe Belle is getting her stitches out tomorrow from the small tumor we found on the back of her head, but it's been a rough week and a half. She could hardly keep her eyes open the day of the surgery.

She hates this cone I have to put on her whenever we're not home.

And her eight stitches scare me, but the vet said she got good margins, so Miss Chloe should be good to go. Whenever she can lose the cone, that is.

Day 247: Remember the Time... I Changed My Look on a Whim

I had to pin my small amount of side-swept bangs with a bobby pin today after my right eye became so irritated from the hair getting in there. 

I forgot about them until I was walking home from work and saw that the salon I live above was open late. So I changed my walking trajectory, walked into the salon, and asked if they could trim my bangs.

And since I had just watched New Girl the day before, I must have been thinking about how adorkable Zooey Deschanel looked with her thick brunette bangs when I told the hairdresser to give me straight-across bangs. Remember the time that I haven't had straight-across bangs since I was five years old? It's amazing how something so simple can straight-up change-up your look.


But you know what? Life is too short for long drawn-out thought processes for something as simple as shorter hair. I'm proud of myself. Plus it doesn't look half bad.

Day 246: If I Ruled Lichtenstein...

Whenever my parents would take me to an amusement park when I was younger, I'd always ask to go on the bumper cars.

I'd let my siblings choose their cars first, then of course I'd choose one directly facing one of them so I could deliver the first whack.


I'd always marvel at the fact that essentially we were getting into accidents on purpose, yet the bumper cars remained unscathed.


So I started asking questions about why cars aren't made out of rubber so they'd just bounce off each other instead of dent. I've been told that not only would they be ugly, but it wouldn't work at the much higher rate of speed that actual cars go.


Well if this were true, then why do bumper guards exist? You know, those rubber pads you attach to the front and/or back license plates or fenders of your car so it doesn't get scratched if someone bumps it while parallel parking? 


I still think it could work. So in Lichtenstein, the center circumference of all cars will be a wall of rubber so fender benders and minor bumps will be a thing of the past. We might have a few more whiplash cases, but at least those people won't have to pay the hospital and the mechanic.

Day 245... Or, In My Case... Day 365

Batman and Robin didn't talk today.

I'm taking a break from this regularly scheduled blog post to pay tribute to the reason I started this year-long blog.

I needed something daily not only to do, but to look forward to doing. So I came up with the idea for this blog, and a friend helped shape the topics.

Like anything new, it was exciting, thought and a bit scary at first. I was staunch about writing a post daily - even if I had little inspiration - which, of course, degenerated into falling behind for awhile there.

But now I'm back on track and determined to follow this through to the end. One of the many faults I've identified about myself is that I go all in at the beginning of something, whether it's a relationship, a work project, a workout routine etc., and tell myself I'm going to stick with it and then just make up excuses not to, and it ends up falling to the wayside.

That's not gonna happen with this project. Nor will it happen to the reason for starting this blog:


Today marks the one-year anniversary.

I was asked what I'd be doing to celebrate. My response was "nothing." I know that there's a reason to celebrate, but my views are a little skewed. I never should have had to be in the position to celebrate, so I'm not going to. 


But I will recognize. I recognize that today is the one-year anniversary.


And that's enough.

Day 244: Never Have I Ever... Been Told I Have A "Nickelodeon Voice"

We have different voices that we use depending on the type of situation we're in. We speak in a higher register when talking to babies. We slow our speech and dumb down our vocabulary when talking to children. We speak louder when talking to the elderly.

And even when we're not talking to children and the elderly, we talk more naturally when talking to friends and more professionally in the workplace.

I've been a receptionist and a reporter, and I know that I change the inflection of my voice when speaking to customers and sources.

But I had no idea that I had a hidden voice talent.

Never have I ever been told I had one of those voices that belongs on TV, yet my colleague has repeatedly told me I sound like the voices on Nickelodeon. She said this in front of the media editor, who asked me to record a spread and agreed that my voice in front of a microphone is totally different than the one I use to speak. Plus, she mentioned how impressed she was that I spoke so polished and it only took us one take.

I apparently sound so different that my own parents watched this video that I made for one of our new consumer products and asked me where I got the voiceover from. Well, mom and dad, I got it from you guys! See for yourselves:

Day 242: A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words... On Ignorance Is Bliss

It doesn't look like he's being very informed, though, he is happy...

Last week's cliche: When pigs fly

Day 241: Stop. Focus. Click... On Veggie Tales

I set out the veggies that I was planning on cooking with this weekend as I was putting away the groceries, and then saw how beautiful they looked on the counter together. Hence, this picture.

 

Day 240: Remember the Time...

On one episode of Family Guy, Brian hears that Quagmire hates him, so one day he waits outside of Quagmire's house so he can strike up a conversation and smooth things over. He starts out by making small talk and then sees a battered girl standing on the doorstep of Quagmire's house.

He comments about how hot she is and how she must have been some piece of ass. Quagmire then replies that the girl is, in fact, his sister who was staying with him because her boyfriend mercilessly beats her. He then asks if Brian also wants to make fun of his deaf brother.

The boyfriend then shows up to beat Quagmire's sister again and Quagmire asks Brian if he can hear that she's being beaten up. He replies, "I'm not deaf," which Quagmire takes as a shot at his deaf brother.

Essentially, this is a case of mistaken assumptions. Brian knows that Quagmire is a complete man whore, so he tries to stroke his ego by telling him what a hot chick he scored. Unfortunately, that person turns out to be his sister. And when Brian uses a well-known cliche by dryly remarking that he's not deaf, Quagmire thinks he's insulting his handicapped brother, when Brian is just trying to make polite conversation.

Remember the time I felt this way during every single conversation with one of my friends from New York?

This guy, Matt, was on my basketball team for several seasons that stretched into several years and, like all the other members on my New York basketball team, I felt like we became really good friends. Yet every time we talked either one on one or in a group, I felt like I said something that offended him. Eventually, I came to think that he tolerated me because of all the innocent things I said that somehow turned out to be insulting.

For example, I was telling our other teammates a story about how Matt and I were talking to members of another team, and I kept referring to this other team as the "black team." I had thought that everyone knew that I was referring to their jersey color, but apparently people were giving he and I weird looks that I didn't notice, so Matt had to interrupt me and say "the black-shirted team" then looked at me like, "why are you dragging me into this seemingly racist story?"

And I could go on and on with examples, but my point is that sometimes people's personalities just don't mesh. Those who are more reserved and on the quiet side just may not get along with those who joke all the time and are a bit more boisterous. And that's OK. But I just wish he knew I never meant to offend or insult him. 'Cause I actually think he was one of the most genuinely nice guys I had the privilege to know in New York.

Day 239: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... Commercial Would Only Refer To Businesses, Not Ads

Even though it's embarrassing, I'm going to admit it: I watch 90210 (yes, the lame, second-generation version with the bone-thin actresses portraying Beverly Hills high school students who are somehow richer than Bill Gates.)

At the very beginning of the latest episode, we see the character of Austin worried about protecting his valuables.

All I have to say is, really, 90210? Really? See what I mean:

In case you couldn't hear it, or missed some of these necessary plot gems, here's what Austin said:

"I checked the windows and I'm on State Farm's website right now trying to get a quote on renters insurance," he says. [Camera pans across his laptop screen, showing State Farm's website.] ... "Check it out," he says to two of his costars, showing them the screen. "I'm actually saving money by bundling it with the policy I already have on my truck. That was easy enough. Now all I have to do is call my agent."

I already know that if I'm going to settle in and watch an hour-long show that I don't have on the DVR, I'm going to actually be watching the show for about 42 of the 60 minutes.

The rest of the time, I'm going to find something else to do so I don't have to watch too-loud ads for car insurance, carpet cleaners, and lawyers to call if I've been injured in an accident.

I don't mind the ancillary product placement, like the American Idol judges drinking out of Coca Cola glasses or the Extreme Makeover: Home Edition builders using Sears tools. It's the blatant, double-digit seconds of product placement that might as well have been a commercial that I have an issue with.

Or at least make Austin be topless while giving his State Farm spiel. That would at least be somewhat forgivable.

Day 238: What Did Batman Say To Robin... About Movie Franchise Marathons

Holy movie marathon Batman!

If you were held captive and the only form of media you could watch were between two movies, would you rather watch eight consecutive hours of Star Wars or eight consecutive hours of Lord of the Rings?

I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this, but I have never seen more than one movie from either of these franchises.

A friend coerced me to sit with her and watch one of the Star Wars movies (not sure which one) in high school, and I stopped watching it after 20 minutes.


An ex-boyfriend coerced me to pay to see one of the Lord of the Rings movies (not sure which one) and I fell asleep at some point, woke up to see some big ogre guy, then dozed some more.


So regardless of which one I choose, it will be new to me.

That being said, I'm going to assume that I'm terrified that I'm being held captive, so I'd have to go with the one that's most likely to distract me and keep my mind occupied. Knowing what I know about Lord of the Rings from the short snippet of what I saw, I think it's the one with the most action and more modern cinematography, so by that reason and that reason alone, I'm going with Lord of the Rings.


If anything, it'd put me to sleep.

Day 237: Never Have I Ever... Cut Out The Negativity

I think it has to do with maturity. Back in grade school or high school, if I found out someone didn't like me or was mad at me, I'd not only make myself sick worrying about it, but I'd bend over backward being nice to him or her until I won them over.

While I unfortunately still care what people think (I'm working on improving this), I've found that I'm more selective regarding who I care about in this regard.


For example, I recently wrote on Facebook about a funny exchange I had with one of my colleagues. One of my Facebook friends commented on this exchange by saying "You're not that witty in person." I responded with, "You obviously don't know me that well."


First of all, the exchange I wrote about was virtually verbatim. So yes, I am that witty in person. Second of all, I let this comment affect me far longer than I should have, given it came from a Facebook friend who I worked with a few years ago and who I had to defend several times for his tool-like behavior.


So instead of dwelling on it, and figuring out how to win this friend over, I just decided to cut this negativity out of my life. Just like that. Never have I ever so easily and readily cut out negativity so I didn't spend time or energy on it. I unfriended this person from my "personal" Facebook account (my "real" account that I use with all of my friends) and left him on my "professional" Facebook account (the one for the public if a potential employer were to look me up). Problem solved.

I am aware that I'm a negative person, and I'm working on this. And it starts with cutting the extra negativity in my life.

Day 235: A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words... On An Apparently High Pig

Yes, this is what adorns the top of my cube along with his bull, bear, and rhino friends. The sticker eyes and necklace are from leftovers when we decorated stockings at work--which actually were all filled up by a secret Santa with chocolate, gum, and holiday-scented hand sanitizer (I got gingerbread).


And the background is my computer screen. But the message is obvious.

Last week's cliche: Snug as a bug in a rug

Day 234: Stop. Focus. Click... On Pure Joy

The snow started falling soon after I arrived at work this morning. It accumulated so quickly that the HR department at my work told us commuters to go home early.

So I did and in accordance with my routine, leashed up Chloe intending to take her on a quick "pee walk."

But when I got outside again, I actually took a look around me instead of just putting my head down and clomping along with dozens of commuters after getting off the train.

It was dusk, quiet, surprisingly not cold, and beautiful.
 
Nightfall had just arrived, and drivers were steering clear of the roads with eight inches and counting on the ground already. Plus, since it was still snowing, most of it was untouched.

So on impulse, I asked Chloe if she wanted to go to the small park two blocks away. I didn't have to ask her twice.

When we arrived, we were the only people there, of course, so I unclipped her leash, yelled "come on!" and started running through the still-falling snow with her prancing right alongside me.

And then I just let her go and watched a dog off her leash as she was meant to be through the gentle flakes whirling atop the dusk and thought about just how happy I was.

 

Day 233: Remember the Time... I Didn't Have To Miss American Idol

When I was little, I thought my dad could fix anything. He just seems to know how to fix whatever broke around the house, whether it was the sink or garbage disposal, computer, car, pool filter, hole in the wall, etc., regardless of whether or not it related to his expertise as an electrician. I know everything I know about handiwork from him.

What I don't know is what I was watching my dad fix back when I was little that impressed me so much, but what I do remember is telling him, "Daddy, you can fix anything that's broken. You can even fix the clouds." 


And he told me that one day he'd fix the clouds just for me.

The only thing that I can think of that my dad's shied away from fixing is the television. Even though he's an electrician, he said he won't go near the internal workings of a TV because it has so many components and unless you have the know-how, you should just leave it to the professionals.

But my dad raised me to believe that I can do anything. Never have I ever attempted to fix a television until today.

Granted, this fix was something I figured I'd be able to do since I quickly figured out the problem (a busted lamp that needed replacing) and was able to dig out explicit directions as to where to go to obtain a new one and how to put it in, but still. I'm generally pretty proud of attempting something new and succeeding - especially when it comes to handiwork. But I still gotta give credit where credit is due.


Thanks Dad.
 

Day 232: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... We'd Cut the Red Tape

There are very few people in a person's life - if any - that you can completely be yourself around. And I mean completely. Around these special people, you can speak your mind without a filter, and just be you without fear of judging or ridicule.

To me, that means everything.

This is never something you can do at work. At work, I feel like I'm constantly on edge. I worry that I'm not saying something politically correct enough, diplomatically enough, or gentle enough.

Plus, at work, you can't just fix a problem. I had a very simple issue the other day, but couldn't just simply fix it. I had to go through the red tape of figuring out the solution to a problem, then had to take it to the department in charge of fixing the problem, get their approval, talk to the person who will actually fix it, wait until he fixes it, check to see that it's fixed, and then approve it being fixed.

Seriously. Even though I'm smart enough to just take care of the problem on my own, I have to go through all these channels before it actually gets done. It just seems so inefficient.

In Lichtenstein, corporations are going to eliminate as much red tape as possible to save time, thereby saving money.

I mean, people are hired because they seem like the best of the best for the job, right?

So let them do their jobs and let them do it efficiently.

Day 231: What Did Batman Say To Robin... About Cowabunga, Dude!

Holy cowabunga Batman!

What was Michelangelo doing standing with no one around him at a Starbucks in Lincoln Park at 7 p.m.?

I think the answer is obvious. When a good guy, like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, is surrounded by bad guys, he always does one of two things. He either fights them one at a time while the others just stand around waiting their turns, or uses one or two of them to defeat the others, i.e. kicks one into another or ducks so one of the bad guy's punches hits another bad guy.

Therefore, Michelangelo has just finished a battle, but still has his fists up and is hyper-vigilant in case any of the bad guys come back.

The fight began in this normally quiet Starbucks in Lincoln Park because a spoiled Chicago socialite ordered a skinny vanilla latte with a dollop of foam and instead got just a smidgen. She, of course, threw a ridiculous, unreasonable fit that included cursing out customers trying to calm her down and throwing the hot drink at the barista.

Enter Michelangelo ready to stand up for the little guys - those hardworking employees behind the counter. Without hesitating, he yanked that girl right out of her Jimmy Choos, tossed her on her ass on the freezing cold sidewalk, and told her she'd better not lay even one perfectly manicured finger on any of the baristas ever again.

And just to ensure their protection he's on guard - as long as the pizzas keep coming.

Day 230: Never Have I Ever... Come Up With The Best Date Night Ever

I love musicals. Brent has tolerated musicals for me in the past (although he always - without fail - asks me why the cast feels the need to sing about everything).

Brent loves The Jersey Shore. I have tolerated The Jersey Shore during its run and always - without fail - wondered aloud how many STDs the cast members have contracted over the years.

And this is how it typically is with Brent and I - one of us will tolerate something the other loves because we know the other one loves it.

However, I have had several strokes of genius recently in which I have come up with perfect solutions to problems (the cheap unlimited car wash being one of them).

So how to solve the problem of one of us liking musicals and the other liking The Jersey Shore? Simple. I bought tickets for Jersey Shore: The Musical.

Brilliant.

After eating a delicious meal of grass-fed burgers, sweet potato fries, and Wisconsin cheese fries, we headed to the show. The first hour of the 90-minute show parodied the actual show, and the last half hour or so was dedicated to what happened to the cast members after the show ended.

The first hour was stomach-achingly funny. Among the cast's major pluses: Angelina being played by a man, Snookie's fantastic acting skills, Pauly D's spot-on depiction of his character's mannerisms ("SCRAMBLED EGGS - OH YEAH!"), and The Situation showing his (makeup-enhanced) abs every two minutes.

Extra bonus points were awarded after I ran into the guy who plays The Situation on my way to the bathroom. He proceeded to hit on me in character: ("Hey, baby. You come to see a show? 'Cause the show's right here [shows abs].")

The second portion of the show paled in comparison to the humor of the first half, but had its moments.

Now if I could only apply this genius to coming up with brilliant ideas at work, I'd be on the fast track to office window status!

Day 229: Shakespeare's High School Poetry... On Being Overwhelmed

A quatrain is a stanza or poem consisting of four lines. Lines two and four must rhyme while having a similar number of syllables.

This poem is about having an impossible number of tasks on your plate at work between meetings and webinars, but knowing that somehow, someway, you have to get them done, done well, and done on time.

Rainbow

My calendar used to be black and white.

Some days my meetings and deadlines numbered none.

But now I must use a strict color-coding system

And it's tough to always get the colors done.

Day 228: A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words... On Seeing Things That Make You Go "Aww"

One word for this... Awwwwwww!

Last week's cliche: Over the hill

Day 227: Stop. Focus. Click... On Nighttime Magic

The holidays are over and the dreary winter months are upon us. However, the holiday lights are still up. So even though it looks crappy out my window during the day, it still looks magical at night.

Day 226: Remember the Time... Just Tell Me It's Going To Be OK, Even If It Isn't

One day it was there.

I was petting Chloe's head and grazed a bump on the back of her skull. I parted the fur to reveal what looked like a large, hard mole. But I've petted my pooch's head for seven years and never came across it before.

So I took her to the vet who looked at it and said it could be something, it could be nothing.

It was something.

Remember the time I wanted to be spoken to as if I were a child and not a mom who was already really worried about her baby?

Instead of hearing the words 'needle biopsy' and 'tumor' and 'excise' while feeling the weight of my nervous pup huddled against my leg that was probably shaking as much as her, part of me just wanted the vet to speak to me as if I were a child to take the fear away:

"Your doggie has a boo-boo, but next week I'm going to make it all better and she'll be fine." 

These are the kinds of words we'd use with children. Innocent children. We shelter them from the harsh realities of the real world because they're just too young to understand how horrific the world can be. And in many ways, I do believe that ignorance is bliss.

However, of course the responsible adult in me wanted to know exactly what the surgery entailed and how serious she thought it would be, but Chloe is my baby. And knowing something might be wrong with my baby that could possibly cause her pain is gut-wrenching. 

I have to keep it in perspective and remember that the vet said there were only a few abnormal cells, so she wants to remove the whole thing just to be sure, but it's hard.


What would I do without my baby?

Day 225: If I Ruled Lichtenstein... You'll Know It When You Look Good

Sometimes I'll be walking to work and see a woman wearing a really cute pair of boots or a really trendy hat or an adorable outfit. I'll see this woman and think these things, but don't always vocalize my thoughts. 

I took a shower yesterday and braided my wet hair before going to bed. It dried overnight so when I shook out the braids this morning, I was left with '80s-style crimped hair just for something different.

Brent happened to call me early this morning, and before we hung up, he jokingly asked me how many compliments I had gotten on my hair (he HATES the way it looks when I do it that way). I told him - truthfully - that two people said they really liked, including one guy who went out of his way to come to my desk just to tell me he liked my hair.

And by the end of the day, the number of unprompted compliments numbered six. - including another guy who told me I looked especially nice overall. And each and every one of these compliments felt good. They always do.

That's why, in Lichtenstein, we'll be more vocal about what we're thinking when it's positive. We won't make stuff up just to compliment someone, but when that thought crosses our minds, we won't hesitate to dish it out.


The world will undoubtedly appear much sunnier.

Day 224: What Did Batman Say to Robin... About The Sniffles

Holy pass the tissues Batman!

Would you rather be extremely sick (bed-ridden) for one week or slightly sick (headache, runny nose, and cough) for one month?

Even though both of these scenarios suck, for me, this is an easy call. I'd much rather be slightly sick for a month.

I hate being any kind of sick. At the first inkling of a headache, I reach for the Aleve. At the first sniffle, I grab some Sudafed. So even when I'm slightly sick, it isn't long until I have relief. (And even though I'm feeling better, I don't always tell people taking care of me that I feel better. Yeah I admit I milk it sometimes!)

But when you're extremely sick, there is no amount of over-the-counter medication that's going to make you feel even slightly better. It's just absolute misery until the sickness runs its course or the antibiotics you get after dragging yourself to the doctor start to take effect many days later.

So even though the horrible sickness would only last a week, I'd much rather be slightly uncomfortable for a month. Or as the people taking care of me would think, so uncomfortable that I can't cook or clean or do chores!

Day 223: Never Have I Ever... Attempted To Finess A Win... Which We All Know Never Works

As you may recall, I have grown to love the challenging card game bridge. I've been playing for a few months now, but still usually raise several questions per hand and am constantly seeking reassurance for my decisions from the elite bridge players at work (which they're always happy to give me, and for that I'm grateful).

I was just getting comfortable playing with a partner and another team of two when it happened - I was asked to play duplicate bridge for the first time.

Duplicate bridge is an eight-person game played by splitting into teams of two, with two teams per table. The same bridge deal is played at each table and scoring is based on relative performance. The element of skill is heightened because essentially the goal of the game is to play your hand better than that of another team who played that exact same hand.

First of all, I have little skill with this game because I'm still learning. I consider myself to be at the point where I understand why what I did was not a good move, but not at the point where I don't make those bad moves in the first place.

So trying to outdo another team made up of bridge tournament champions just had bad news bears written all over it.


Luckily, my friend Brian asked to be paired with me, presumably so that all the other players would have a chance at winning, and we began to play. I'm usually pretty bold - mostly because I like to see what happens if I do something. However, during this game, I was adhering strictly to the conventional rules of bridge and bidding extremely conservatively.

And because of this - and because of sheer luck that the other teams weren't making their contracts - we were in first place at the end of the second of three rounds.


I made sure to screw that up, however, with a disastrous round of no trump and we ended up in third. Not bad for my first time, though!